January 16, 2010

HURRY!!!!! only a thousand days of living left


Once again, we are nearing devastation. December 21, 2012. Doomsday. The end of the world. 

But wait! not if you're prepared!! if you think ahead, plan ahead, you can make it through the massive solar storms, super volcanoes, earthquakes, geomagnetic reversal, and the total chaos which ensues. Be ready. Be smart. Be alive.

With my 2012 survival kits available now for $2,012, you can be one of the survivors...responsible for continuing the human race. Act now and you can get your second kit for half price!!

Here's what your kit will include:

1 package of beef jerky (specify original, teriyaki, or peppered)
1 can of yellow corn niblits
1 box graham crackers
3 hershey's bars
1 bag marshmellow minis
1 crank radio
2 oil lamps
1 case oil for lamps
1 pocket video game with extra batteries (specify scrabble, yahtzee, or tetris)
1 super deluxe first aid kit including surgical supplies and nitrous oxide
1 case emergency ration bars
3 lb starburst
5 packages juicy fruit gum
1 water purifier
2 cases bottled water
2 sock puppets
4 packages vegetable seeds
1 biochemical suit w/gas mask (available in hot pink, navy blue, and olive)
1 airline approved personal care set including shampoo, conditioner, body wash, lotion, mouthwash, travel toothbrush, deodorant and lubricant
1 cane fishing pole with hooks, corks, and freeze dried crickets
1 kaleidescope
2 vibrators (specify 6 in or 8 in and either black, white, or blue) or naked pictures of bea arthur
10 packages of AA batteries
1 robe with matching fuzzy slippers
1 2013 page a day cat calendar
1 can hairspray
1 butane lighter
2 flashlights w/extra batteries
1 jar instant coffee (not available in decaf)
1 pair ninja stars
1 book of matches from The Dollhouse
1 2 man tent
1 package yellow rice
1 sleeping bag (disney princesses or toy story designs)
1 swiss army knife
2 cans bug spray
1 tube 55 spf sunscreen
1 fleece blanket
1 ax
1 Indiana jones compass and canteen set
1 solar powered flashlight
3 necessary survival manuels (chosen randomly)
1 eagle knickknack
1 case cup o' noodle soups
1 football or soccer ball
1 bag of pure cane sugar
1 pound of marijuana
1 case pinot noir
1 box chamomile tea
1 container orange tictacs
1 box sparklers

This kit contains everything you need to make it through the coming apocalypse with the exception of a generator, a rain barrel, guns, tools, ammunition, food stores, and condoms. It's strongly suggested you check around the site and see about purchasing those items as well. Remember: Be ready. Be prepared. Be alive.

*disclaimer: none of these items are guaranteed to ensure your safety in a true emergency but they might.

January 15, 2010

Review of Moon



Directed by Duncan Jones

Starring Sam Rockwell and Kevin Spacey as "Gerty"

For me moon is reminiscent of the science fiction from long before I was born. It relies on Suspense, and good storytelling rather than big budget effects. At a budget of just under five million dollars, they were able to create sets that had me completely convinced.

The movie start with Sam Bell(Rockwell) in the last two weeks of a three year stint running a mining operation on the moon. He's mining Helium-3 which is shipped back to earth as a clean energy source now used by most of the world.

He has a wife and daughter back home, but the messages he gets from them are always delayed, as the satellite relay has been damaged the entire three years he's been on the moon.

He's the only one there, running the entire station, and his only company is a computer system named Gerty, who is reminiscent of Hal in 2001, his only job being to keep Sam happy and sane.

Sounds pretty standard, and a little boring. and it is. at first. Until Sam goes out to check on a crashed rover, and finds himself inside. He saves the other Sam and brings him back to the base. The rest of the movie is about the Two Sam's trying to cope with the fact that they are not Unique, and solving the mystery of why there are two of them.

There's nothing too complicated about it, if you read this, you'll probably have the movie figured out. But it's not about us solving the mystery, it's about us watching them solve it. And cope with it. As the movie goes on you'll figure it out before they do, because it is predictable. But you'll be caught up in what this experience is doing to them.

Sam Rockwell's performance was fantastic. He goes from funny, to angry, to heartbreaking sadness and it doesn't feel forced. Keven Spacey is great as Gerty, and unlike HAL from 2001, I think he'll surprise you. There are a lot of influences from other science fiction stories of the 60s and 70s and it has that same somber tone of older movies that I find so much more interesting than non stop action and effects.

Duncan Jones has made a couple of indie movies, but this is his first real feature and he definitely delivers. if I had to rate it, I'd say Four out of Five.


'Til Sex Do Us Part

I get messages online from a variety of individuals. There are couples looking to experiment, 18 and 19 year old guys wanting to "be" with older women. (Why? Is there even an explanation?) There are people that apparently want me to drive to their homes, fuck them senseless, and drive myself back to my place until I'm in dire need of their manmeat again. There are people looking for relationships or just to go out and have fun, and older men going through their mid life crisis who troll the net for younger women. As I said...I'm contacted by all kinds. 

There's one group that always has me confused. I never know how to take it and even though I attempt hard to reserve judgement, I'm not always successful. A large portion of the men who contact me are married. Some say they are happily married while others admit they aren't but one common thread is they are all sexually dissatisfied. They don't want to hurt their wives so discretion is always important, but they just aren't getting their needs met so after a lot of thought, they've decided that having an affair is their only and best option. I recieved this message below last night and it's representative of what these things usually say:

"How are you, warm I hope. I'll get to the point though and put this out first, would you like to meet sometime and maybe hook up. I'm honesty and want to put what I want out there so you know.

Now the reason I'm online here is that if you look at my profile, yes you will find that I am married, but my married life sucks. I get no sexual satisfaction from my wife as she doesn't have the charisma to just let herself go in bed. She isn't as spontaneous or open with her feelings as me so I'm left with a large hole of desire to be filled. All of this transpired after we married, so it has built up over time.

Unfortunately I'm online to find friends and if it goes to intimate than that is fine. I'm not out looking head first for sex, I'm out looking for others that I can relate to and maybe open up to, maybe that will help relieve some of theis desire, knowing it is allowed to get out either in words or actions. I have been told that I am very laid back, that I don't get upset when I should, like waiting in a long ass line in Wal-Mart and things like that.

I live about 30 minutes south of Valdosta and about 1 hour east of Tallahassee, I work in Valdosta so that is why my profile says Valdosta since I am there everyday. Hope to talk to you sometime, and maybe if you get toward Valdosta or something sometime we can get together and chat or something to eat."

First of all, let me say that I am not above going out with someone who is married. I've done it. I'm not ashamed of it. Would I be someone's long term mistress? No, probably not. But, I guess that has to do more with personal preference than any moral issues. These people are always up front about being married and I admire that honesty so if I'm going to question this publicly, I have to be just as honest myself. 

Have I ever cheated on anyone myself? Yes. When I, myself, was married? It came pretty fucking close. and why is that? Because I was horribly sexually dissatisfied. It's one of the very things that told me it was time to reevaluate my status as someone's wife. So, I can understand how it's possible that someone can end up cheating when something's missing in their sex life. I really do. I didn't actively make a decision, though, to go online and seek out partners for an affair. Flirting with a friend got out of hand in my case and we almost got carried away. Okay, we made out and sexted all the time, so we did get carried away. Also, he finger fucked me on one occasion so perhaps that's still cheating, but that's where it ended. Both of us were married and decided we were really fucking up. Yay to regaining rational thought. 

I did a lot of soul searching afterwards. For awhile and even now, I wonder if a true monogamous relationship is even possible in the long term. I haven't even tried since my divorce. I haven't had the desire. I like my space and my freedom as they are and figure when someone comes along that can make me consider a relationship, I'll give it a shot. I don't feel like I'm missing anything. I don't get lonely. Things are peachy. In my thinking, I also decided that sexual compatibility is a big chunk of the solid foundation a relationship needs to stand on. On a personal level, I married someone that wasn't very experienced in matters of sex. I thought maybe he'd open up over time, but it didn't happen. And, in fact, the fact that I was, well, more than experienced was a taboo subject. I lived scenes right out of Chasing Amy, I kid not. We couldn't try new things. It was all mundane and routine and eventually, I was so bored that we'd have to watch porn for me to even get in the mood. Every time. So, yeah...sexual compatibility is key. Don't marry someone who doesn't fuck you porno style on your couch in the middle of the movie you two are watching if that's something you fantasize about all the time because it isn't going to change after you say your vows. And later on, it'll just cause problems. 

And, I guess that's what gets me. The person who sent me that message above is 25. He can't possibly have been married all that long so doesn't it stand to reason that his wife was the same before they married as now? I feel his pain. I really do, but why get online and look for other women? How about marriage counseling if you really want to stay married? How about not being afraid of change and making those steps to find true happiness? 

But, what about those men who've really been married 20 something years to a woman they love but who doesn't have the drive anymore after giving them a couple of rugrats? Can I blame them for not wanting to divorce someone they care about so much...to not want to walk out on the person who's been there for them for all these years anytime they needed someone, who bore their children...but who still has needs? I don't know. Or, what about all the daddies who don't want to give up time with their kids? Is that even noble in any regard...to fake it for the kids? Or is all that just a copout for someone who really is too scared to make a change? 

And none of that even takes into consideration how I'd feel if I were that wife and I found out about my partner's funtime activities... the humiliation, fear, betrayal, and anger...fuck. 

Such a massively complicated situation, eh?

Floral Garden of Life

The chalkboard along the back wall of the room reads “JESUS. JEHOVAH” in yellow chalk in the lower left corner. Nothing else.


I take a seat against the right wall towards the front of the room. I wonder now if  I chose this spot subconsciously because I’m in a direct path to the door… No matter because then I hear the tumblers click into place locking the door so that patients on the outside can't come in and disrupt our group. It's a safety measure, I suppose, but I feel a momentary surge of anxiety which increases my heart rate a bit and makes me fidgety because it only reminds me that if something goes wrong and i make it out the door, I'm still locked in the hallway. There's no escaping without the keys and code, and I don’t particularly want to be locked in this tiny part of the building. Being here is one thing…being locked in here, not cool. Pretty much, the only guarantee you really have when working with psychiatric patients is there are no guarantees...no predictions. You never know. Supposedly, I’m trained to handle all sorts of what ifs but I don’t think knowing how to do a side arm body hug or a one arm restraint will help me much if the 6’4, 250 lb man across the room from me hits crisis mode. Big boy looks calm enough for now, though, thankfully….

It’s 3:15 p.m. and I’m sitting in on a medication adherence group therapy session. We talk about medications, what they’re for, and the importance of remaining on the meds after (perhaps if) being released from the hospital aka psych farm, loony bin, nuthouse.

“Who dat? She new here?”

“She yo sista?”

“What she do?”

They’re referring to me. I’ve been shadowing a psychologist from the forensic unit here for a few weeks on my off days…another step on the career path. Interesting work. My first day…a guy started jerking off in relapse prevention group. Relapse prevention is all about discussing ways to prevent a return stay in the hospital. Obviously, this guy’s first step in doing that—yeah—don’t pull it in public. Actually, if you want to get your ass out of here at all, a little restraint would be good. I also realize this day that I must have been born for this work…my reaction? I simply turned slightly away from him, subtlely. I had to prevent getting hit in the face. Gut instinct. Getting a cum shot in the face from a random stranger who smells like urine and drools slightly is just not my idea of a good morning…

So, I’m introduced to the group which consists of 10 patients, 3 females and 7 males. A nurse leads the group, the psychologist records behaviors, and there are a couple of nursing student observers in addition to me. The nurse gets a vid set up and from the back of the room:

“I’m tired of movies. We already seen this. The same, the same, the same. Man, come on.”

 Then I hear snoring. It’s the jerker. (fucking a...he's in here. are you kidding?) He’s drifted off 5 minutes into group. Thankfully. Could be from the massive amounts of meds these people are all on…most of them look sleepy. The snoring gets louder and no attempts to wake him are successful. Yay.

“Fine,” the nurse says. She sounds exasperated. It seems to have been a long day for her. “You want something different? We’ll go around the room and each one of you will discuss one of your meds. Then you can do a word puzzle.”

First response is from a guy I first think is in his mid 40s…closer inspection though and he’s actually near my age. He says he takes a vitamin. That’s all. Just a vitamin. When pressed for the name of said vitamin, he responds with risperdal. Risperdal is an atypical antipsychotic drug used to treat schizophrenia or manic and mixed episodes of bipolar disorder.

The next person discusses her list down to Tylenol and Advil. She takes Seroquel, Risperdal, Haldol D injections, and more. She also talks about how many times she eats a day. This is likely due to the antidepressants she takes. Serotonin regulates the appetite…fuck with that and your eating habits change. She's a perfect case study. She has about 7 meals a day and is well over 200 lbs and maybe 5'5.

Big boy talks now. He is articulate and surprisingly knowledgeable about his medications. He discusses a recent change, the need for bloodwork on this med, the reason for the change and so on. I’m impressed by his ability to communicate so well on the issue. Most people who come in the pharmacy...even well spoken, educated, reasonably sane people...can only tell you to refill their pink pill—like we just know the colors of every med on their list.

A middle aged man with a mullet of sorts then tells us it’s none of our goddamn business what he’s taking.

From across the room, I hear laughter and incoherent mumbling…more laughter. I glance over and big boy is talking to someone in the chair sitting in front of him. No one’s in that chair. Well, no one in this reality is in that chair. I’m not sure what reality big boy’s in…but wherever he’s at, the conversation is rich.

A female voice draws my attention back to my side of the room:

“I take Phenobarbitals for seizures, you know, cause I got the epilepsy. I have seizures from takin’ too many hits to the head, too many injuries, you know? I take Risperdal for sleep. I take something for my blood pressure, and aspirin a day, for my heart. I like taking shots. No one has to hold me down for my Risperdal. Shots are easy. I have epilepsy…….”

(more laughter and mumbling…god, I want in on this joke. It’s hard not to watch him. He looks happy. The nurse looks like someone threw piss in her face. Maybe his reality is better than ours.)

A look around the room shows the telltale signs of tardive dyskinesia in many. It’s a condition caused by heavy treatment with antipsychotics especially the older drugs like Thorazine. Symptoms are involuntary movements of the muscles especially of the face. Rapid movements of the lips and tongue, lip smacks, tongue protrusion, rapid blinking and so on….  Even with discontinuation of the meds, the dyskinesia remains. Irreversibly damaged…

(The snoring gets louder… the nurse tries to wake him. He never even opens his eyes. Sleep as an escape. I dig it. I sleep less and read more when I need one. Maybe we should get him an outlet besides sleeping and masturbation.)

“I take, uh, Depakote, Risperdal, Seroquel, and some others,” a yonger guy says. He has to be younger than me and jesus christ if I took all that I’d never be able to move much less sit here and discuss the meds coherently. “I, uh, they give me this stuff they say for bipolar but I don’t…I don’t have that. Like they just give me these things for something they think I have. I don’t need them, though. I have control of my mind. I can control my mind. I’ve studied psychology. I know what abnormal behavior is. I’m just gonna tell ‘em it works so I get out of this place. Whatever it takes to get out of hell…”

He must be in possession of jedi mind tricks.

At this point, half the group is asleep and the nurse gives up. She puts on the movie to no more complaints. Big boy’s laughter and gibberish continue for the most of it and the jerker’s snoring alternates between a slight purr and a thunderous rumble depending on how far down his head slumps…

There is a little talk after the vid including a discussion on my hair and my current position as a pharm tech. I take the compliments with a smile and answer all their questions. I'm nervous about it still. It's going to take some getting used to.

The baby killer (yes) smiles at me from across the room. I actually feel sorry for him. Long story. I smile back. He has a tendency, as a lot here do, to totally violate any sense of personal space, but I imagine I’ll eventually grow accustomed to it. When they talk, they’re right up on you. It’s like “Hi, baby killer can you give me room to breath, please? Thanks”

“Billie Holliday was a jazz singer not a blues singer. She was known as a jazz singer. Like Ella Fitzgerald. Jazz singers.” Okay, jedi, explain this perserveration of topics if you have control of your

Time is up. Patients shuffle out and I’m asked to speak at these sessions now and then, maybe once a month for something different. Somehow I feel like I’ve just been thrown to the wolves. I need baggier pants and oversized sweaters. Pronto.

I head down the hall ready to get out of here and head home. In a room to the right, I see Poison Ivy. She compares herself to a beautiful flower ripped from the garden of life and forced to live as a houseplant…She’s aggressive, unmedicated, angry…crazier than a shithouse mouse, she is. Once she dug a bullet out of her own foot after accidentally shooting herself. She refused treatment because duh, of course, the doctor would poison her over her beauty. I look away fast and hurry my ass out of there. Who wouldn’t?

January 14, 2010

Darbas grandinëje gauja visà dienà

So I work for a customs broker.

Rather than explain what that is and bore you, let me sum up. All that stuff you buy that says "Made in anywhere but the United States" has to come into the United States from somewhere. When it does, a "customs broker" has to facilitate the entry of those goods and make sure Uncle Sam gets his cut of the profits via duties paid.

It's an interesting job which has provided me with a front row seat to see how NAFTA and the World Trade Organization is destroying the U.S. economy and killing the job market. Woohoo! My job pwns yours! *middle finger to all of you*

All of that useless info is not the point of this blog. If you want to know what some of these terms like NAFTA or duties mean, well, you should know how to use Google by now. If you are not living in the United States and are reading this, just ignore everything I've said so far and pretend I work for a law firm or something.

This blog is about some of the whacky people I work with. Before I go on let me say that I used to be a very hard worker. I busted my ass and got a few promotions really quick because I ran circles around everyone. I am lazier now because I've hit a brick wall and the many attempts I've made to move up the ladder have been dashed against the rock that is cronyism. I remind you that I used to be a hard worker so that when I rip into my coworkers for being lazy and stupid it doesn't make it look so bad that I'm writing this blog while I'm at work.

So let me introduce you to a few of the people that entertain me every day. I'm sure you'll recognize a few from your own office experiences. Their names have been omitted to protect the innocent...and my ass if this somehow got around to them:

We start with MP. Oh, where to begin. The lady is whacky. Late forties, divorced with three kids. She is not the brightest bulb to say the least. I keep meaning to write down some of the stuff she says. It's comedy gold. Just her mispronunciations...like when she's feeling stressed she needs to take half a volume.

Her father just passed away which is sad. The fact that she thinks he is trying to contact her via her cellphone is HILARIOUS!! Any unknown calls she gets, she believes is him. She is a firm believer in psychics and has already seen two of them since he died. All my attempts to explain cold reading, and how vague the information the "psychic" has given her so she can fill in the blanks is, fall flat. You can't pay for this kind of entertainment.

All in all, she is a nice person and I actually like her. She thinks I hate her. I imagine she hasn't dealt with much blunt honesty in her life.

Next is MS. I think I've mentioned him before. Bicycling enthusiast. Only child. Emotionally stunted asshole. I feel sorry for his daughter...oh so sorry. I actually went to grade school with him for a few years. Didn't like him then either.

He's that guy. That guy with a better story for every story that gets told. That can't tell a joke to save his life, but still does and laughs at himself. Will make fun of everyone, but gets mad if anyone makes fun of him. Fitness maniac that will drop dead of a heart attack from overstressing his heart at about 40. I want to run him over with my car. I would not feel bad about it.

On to CM. The office bitch/hypochondriac. I want to fuck her in a very painful place in a very angry way. I don't know why I'm attracted to her, but I really really want to do bad things to her. She is kinda pretty...in an odd kinda way. She has an AWESOME ass though.

She is also married. That wouldn't stop me, but apparently she has a problem with it. I know this because I apparently told her that I want to fuck her one evening when everyone went out for drinks after work...and if she wasn't married it would happen. I don't actually remember saying it. I did own up to it though, because it is true. I shouldn't drink. Or maybe I should drink more.

We'll end with JT. I consider him a good friend. We will go out for drinks occasionally and we share a similar sense of humor. Work is a lot more fun with him around. He is one funny motherfucker and will sing along, badly and loudly, with any song on the radio...usually making up his own lyrics.

And he spends most of his time fucking with MS, which is just non-stop fun because MS gets sooooooooo fucking mad at him. MS will try and make fun of JT, but he isn't funny and most of his inults revolve around him being fat or that his ex-wife is a whore. Both of these are true, but not very funny in unskilled hands. Unskilled hands being just saying "You're fat" or "Your wife is a whore". Now when I tell JT I can't answer his question right away because his ex is sexting me, that's funny. Work is a lot more fun when he's around, even though there isn't less work when he is, because he's on the internet even more than me during the day.

There are more, but this is getting kind of long. I'll do more someday when I get the urge.

From Sea to Shining Sea

Alright. Here’s the score. I am Canadian. I am francophone. I rock the socks off a lot of people. But I can’t stand human contact, for the most part. I have found myself too often disappointed in the behaviour (yeah, with a ‘u’) of others as well as their numerous failings and the near impossibility of meeting my expectations.

One such failing is the distribution and re-distribution of emails that serve no purpose but to waste mine or someone else’s time. More than likely by some fag at a keyboard who doesn’t feel like attending to the TPS reports on his desk.

At times, however, a gem passes before my eyes. Below you will find one such gem. I share because it’s informative, it’s condescending to Americans in particular and frankly, it makes me feel superior, so I’m a perfect fit for Canada.

Here’s what you need to know…

1. Smarties
2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp
3. The size of our football fields, one less down and bigger balls
4. Baseball is Canadian - First game June 4, 1838 - Ingersoll, ON
5. Lacrosse is Canadian
6. Hockey is Canadian
7. Basketball is Canadian
8. Apple pie is Canadian
9. Mr. Dress-up beats Mr. Rogers
10. Tim Hortons beats Dunkin' Donuts
11. In the war of 1812, started by America, Canadians pushed the Americans back past
their White House. Then we burned it and most of Washington. We got bored
because they ran away. Then, we came home and partied........ Go figure.
12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.
13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew
during any war to anyone, anywhere. EVER.(We got clobbered in the odd battle but
prevailed in ALL the wars).
14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and lasted a little over an hour.
15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary. He
slept in and missed the whole thing. He showed up just in time to get caught.
16. A Canadian invented Standard Time.
17. The Hudson’s Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still
around as the world's oldest company.
18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in less than 3
minutes. (That's more information than I need!)
19. We know what to do with the parts of a buffalo.
20. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, Velcro, zippers, insulin, the paint roller,
roller skates, duct tape, the jolly-jumper, air-conditioned vehicles, the
Zamboni, the barcode, the Blackberry and the telephone. Also short wave radios
that save countless lives each year.
21. The light bulb was actually invented by a Canadian (Henry Woodward patented it in
1874). The patent was bought by some obscure American named Edison who
improved upon the design and took credit for inventing it.
22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.
23. A Canadian invented Superman.
24. We have coloured money.
25. Our beer advertisements kick ass {Incidentally...so does our beer}


The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.

That’s a light dusting of Canadian sugar on your fat US tongues…but there are so many more…lemme know if you need any explained.

we're not in kansas anymore

Why does Dorothy seem all in a panic? Because her only options for the Munchkin Ball included a heartless bastard, a moron, and a pussy.

Don't feel too bad, Dorothy. I know what you're going through. Just try sifting through my pof mailbox and you'll get it. Here, why don't we just take a quick peek and see what's new there tonight.

bezeasy writes: a smile 2 keep d day,a hug to keep u 
warm, a kiss to show i care, a rose
to show how much u mean......u are
one beautiful and special being i'd
really wanna know......like to know u
for real

(even in text messages i don't use "u" in place of "you". next)

from 1HONESTGOODGUY4U: what a great and interesting profile! my name is gene and i would like to get to know you. i am a respectful man and a gentleman until i get the ok to be otherwise.i like your age and your looks and the fact you have a son too.mine will be 7 in june.so drop me a line,ok?!

(my age?)

gafighter: I enjoyed your profile. If your interested feel free to hit me back. Dont let the distance freak you. out. LOL. Im about to move to south GA. 

(yay!!! you're moving to the exact place i don't want to be!)

mrme9: I think you are so so cute and I was wondering if i could introduce you to some real sh*tlike our first date. It places both of us I a spot together the newest part of the situation is the whole time we are together we treat each other as though we've been together for a while and the relationship is going good. I see it like this If we can make it threw that and everything is kool we can kick it a lot more

(thank god he didn't want to introduce me to his kids or his mama)

tally_look1: your tats are sexy.....

robbie335: love the tats

raymondoo7: hello

Mr.214: I was wonderin if you have a boyfriend? Well if you don't maybe we can meet up for a drink sometime over the weekend. Here is my yahoo id j****s75@yahoo.com add me if you have a yahoo account so we can chat and get know each other a lil bit better or if you like hit me up on my cell. Well, let's see where this takes us.

(would it really matter if i did have a boyfriend?)

Cherokee Healer: I do hope that you have had a exciting day and that everything went to plan,that you were reminded how lovely you are,and how you make a impact for so many.To know you are beautiful,wonderful,and amazing.I hope you always remember this,feel this,and know you are truly special.Your love for this world,the compassion at heart,the brilliance of the mind,and the aura of the spirit.You are amazing and I just wanted to wish you a lovely evening ahead of you 

(wow. can we say creepy?)

kg45 (like colt 45?): HEY I DONT MEAN ANY DISRESPECT, I SEEN YOUR PROFILE AN UR SMILE CAUGHT MY EYE, NOW I CANT GET U OFF MY MIND, YOU ARE TRULY BEAUTIFUL , HERE IS SOMETHING U CAN WONDER ABOUT , HOW ABOUT I BEND YOU OVER N LICK, NIBBLE, AND SUCK ON YOUR **** FROM THA BACK, READ MY THOUGHTS ON HOW YOUR **** SHOULD BE TREATED. First, I'll see if your clit has become hard enough to peek out of its hood. If so,i'll lick it.Then i'll Bring my tongue up to the top of your slit and feel for your clit. Well, then i'll gently pull your **** lips away and flick my tongue quickly against your clit, your legs will shudder . When I sense you getting up there toward orgasm,i'll make my lips into an O and take your clit into my mouth. I Start to suck gently and while am sucking i'll watch your face for your reaction. Now, if you can handle it, i will suck harder then If your into it, suck even harder.I'll move with your body as you lifts your pelvis into the air with the tension of your rising orgasm.Now heres the most important part of lickin your **** tha part where every man stop to soon but i'll hang on, and keep my hot mouth on your clit while your juices drip all down my lips..................................... MAYBE ONEDAY WE COULD FINISH THIS FACE 2 FACE

(he must have forgot that i totally fell for this the first time. boy, once we got FACE 2 FACE, he really put it to me. time for round 2)

jigaboo72: your pretty



neiljakusevichl: Climax Ga?? Wish I could b under your tree!! Love Neal 
n******ch@yahoo.com Whats yours???

(what tree? is this some sort of code?)

this is my profile pic:

and in response to it, justfriends23 says: hey, I love the pic of u sniffing ur arm pit. nothing gets me more aroused than an arm pit sniffer. :p

(and i love men that use textspeak and emoticons. no really.)

moneycapone: i bet u taste as gud as u look sexy so do u have a man

(nu-uh. i taste like chicken.)

here's a couple of highlights from my page there....and yet these are still what I'm getting stuck with...

I am 28. I have a 4 old son and I'm divorced. I'm soft spoken but very opinionated. Sometimes my tattoos and confident demeanor intimidate people....but I'm really a sweetheart, a modest one at that--just don't piss me off. I've been known to hold grudges.

....I work full time at a pharmacy as a tech in Thomasville, GA. It has its good and bad days, but I love my day to day interation with the sick and the crazy. It's entertaining and often reminds me how small my problems really are... I recently graduated with my bachelors in criminal justice (with a 4.0 even) and will start grad school soon. The plan is to eventually become a forensic psychologist...work in the field for several years to gain experience, then become a professor and hopefully, begin researching for my own book. I'd also like to work towards redesigning/improving alternatives to incarceration programs and also improving the eligibility processes for participation in said programs. I'm still a ****ing idealist, I suppose...I'm out to make change--like obama except i'm short, white, and have big boobs....

I talk about movies, books, my home life, music, etc then...

****the headline, gentlemen (and i use that term loosely), is surprise me. somewhere in my revelations of little quirks and personal details you must have forgotten that because i keep getting messages asking if i'd like to chat--no originality at all whatsoever. no effort, no drive....give me a reason to want to chat with you, ffs. most everyone i look at here has scarcely anything at all on their profiles and your messages say next to nothing. time is precious, you know... if you really want to talk to me or get to know me, then show me i'm not wasting my time. i don't like to carry conversations--i like to take part in them. i've certainly put quite a bit of effort into letting you all know some things about me. otherwise, don't bother. thanks. oh, and just one more thing: if you have country or redneck or cowboy or some sort of sexual reference as your screenname, you're undoubtedly wasting your time. just because i don't want a tried and true long term relationship doesn't mean i'll **** anything that walks. a girl who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to get it can still have standards, boys. and this girl...she does have standards. furthermore, just because you either are or think you are attractive, hot, good looking or whatever term you want to use, doesn't mean i owe you a return message. in fact, i don't owe you anything.

so, suggest some rewrites. let's see what you come up with.
January 13, 2010

A bad joke gone badder, or: A bad joke made more gooder

When I was younger, my friends and I would often 'drive around' (That means we smoked pot in the car while we were driving through one neighborhood after another). It was the really the only thing we had to do at the time because we were still not old enough to go to any of the bars. This is a common activity in Phoenix for most young stoners. It was during one of these driving adventures that my friend, we'll call him "T", who was driving decided to tell a joke. As I said before, this was when I was younger...at least five years ago, and I was a mega stoner back then, so my memory is shit and I can't remember the exact wording of the joke. Here's what I remember:

"T": What do you call this? (He then pantomimed, flailing his arms)

I don't know...

"T": Guy in a wheelchair playing basketball!

"T": What do you call this? (More pantomiming, more flailing)


"T": Guy in a wheelchair playing baseball!

"T": What do you call this? (More)

I don't know, what? (At this point we're wondering if he even knows what he's talking about)

"T": Guy in a wheelchair doing the long jump!

"T": What do you call this? (He then pantomimed pushing himself along in a wheelchair, while slapping himself in the forehead).

We laughed a little bit and said "I don't know what's that?"

"T": Guy in a wheelchair running the hurdles.

We broke out in laughter. Kind of a dumb joke, but, it was funny. We were baked.

Before the laughter died down, the girl sitting next to me in the back of the car (an acquaintance) turned to me and leaned in towards my ear as if to tell me a secret. This is what she whispered to me:

"People in wheelchairs can't do hurdles."

You just got fucking burned!

Bry Bry Says:
June 9th, 2009 at 10:41 pm

Looks like a dude to me

Anonymous Says:
June 9th, 2009 at 10:50 pm

That's cuz u r gay.

fingfangfoom Says:
June 10th, 2009 at 12:29 am

yeah a dude constructed completely out of hot female body parts... rinse the semen from your eyes round-mouth.

Smoking is bad for you

Life has a funny way of making a hypocrite out of you.

When I was a young lad there were some things I used to do, namely shoplift and smoke. I used to have a paper route that got me up nice and early after I was finished said route I used to go to 7-11. Now I'm not sure exactly how mildly retarded you have to be to work the overnight shift at a convenience store but I'm going to guess fairly. I used to go into the store chat up the guy working there and when he went in the store room I would get myself some gum or whatever and put it in my newspaper sack. Looking back on it now what 30 year old guy wouldn't suspect some teenager wearing a sack? And, what 30 year old guy wants to talk to a 13 year old kid? Maybe he was just a child molester and trying to gain my confidence so he could take me into the back room and touch me.

The other thing I liked doing was smoking, I used to smoke and smoke and smoke. In fact the first cigarette I had was shoplifted by my friend from the previously mentioned 7-11. I just realized that store is responsible for everything I am today. I should write them a thank you letter, or maybe a letter of intent to sue. So basically my day was all about thievery and smoking and hanging around looking like I was up to no good, which in fact I was.

The point to all the previous words is this;

The other day I saw a bunch of boys looking like they were up to no good and smoking and I thought to myself "Stupid little fuckers up to no good and smoking what a bunch of losers". Almost immediately it was followed up with another thought "Holy shit that was me like 20 years ago". When I was the kid in this little story I always thought to myself how cool I was and how old people were so lame. Oh how the tables have turned, turned right around been tipped over and slightly damaged.

I guess the morals to this story are, don't judge other people before they are hatched and don't talk to strange child molesters who work in retail stores.

what's in a name?

If I had known you'd turn out like this, I never would have named you what I did.

I'm not exactly sure what that means but I sort of laughed anyway when my mother said this to me. I don't know what images the name Jenni/Jenny/Jenniy or Jennifer inspires but apparently the Jenniy that I portray doesn't exactly mesh with whatever my mother had in mind when she chose the name.

In my head, I went over the list of me items wondering just which ones offend the name so much. Is it being a single mom working and going to school and handling it on my own? Is it my recent college graduation (with a 4.0 I might add)...as in am I too smart for the name? Her tone of voice surely didn't make it seem like a positive thing. Could it be that I'm divorced? Not sensible considering she is too. Is it the fact that I've never really been in trouble or my independence or my bluntness?

I'm a beautiful little tattooed, gum chewing freak (movie reference). Sinead O'Rebellion. Shock me, shock me, shock me with that deviant behavior. That's the problem. My style--hair and clothes and makeup, my tattoos, my choice in music all violates the name I carry. My frankness, my free spirited nature, my lack of care for what the rest of the world thinks of me, my enjoyment of wine and whiskey and other mind altering substances, my disinterest in keeping my house spotless, and my love of fucking are apparently all wrong for my name. I think it's a little too late though to start changing the very essence of my being to suit the moniker I've been stuck with since birth, though. So, perhaps it's time for a name change.

Which begs me to ask the question... what are Jennifers supposed to be like?

And also, what sort of name should a Freak Like Me be signing autographs with???


I'm willing to take suggestions.

Also, I often feel like I'd have fit in just fine with these characters especially since I would have let Daniel (james franco) and Ken (Seth Rogen) double team me every chance I got... and okay, if I were stoned, I would have let Nick (Jason Segel) and probably Kim (Busy Phillips) join in. Okay so maybe every now and then I wouldn't have to be stoned for that. I'm an honest girl.

Freaks and Geeks

Review of The Salton Sea


The Salton Sea(2002)
starring Val Kilmer

One of my favorite movies of all time. And that's saying a lot. I grew up enjoying old detective stories. The problem with most of the new Detective flicks is that they try way too hard to be noir, failing to realize that you shouldn't have to try. It should be subtle, not using rediculous dialogue, and internal monologue to beat you in the face with noir (Brick is a good example of that. terrible).
This movie is the exact opposite. It has the feeling of an old Detective story without being in your face.
It starts out with Val Kilmer as junkie Danny Parker, hanging out with speed freaks, and informing on other junkies to two narcotics detectives. He lives in a dump, and seems to have a life that's going nowhere. But like any good mystery nothing is as it seems.
The story goes back and forth through flashbacks to reveal the mystery of what happened at the Salton sea, and how Danny got to where he is. Tragedy landed him playing the part of a junkie, but he's there for a reason. Everything he does he does ultimately for justice.
He plays both sides of the law to solve the crime that has taken over his life. He's never who he appears to be, and you quickly find out that he's always in control. I can't say much about the plot without giving it away. Half the fun of the movie is the surprise of finding out whats really going on.
There are some great performances in The Salton Sea, including Vincent D'Onofrio as Pooh bear, a drug dealer who's put so much meth up his nose that he no longer has one, a rediculous plastic one taking its place. He's a ruthless criminal, but he has some pretty funny scenes.
Then there's Peter Sarsgaard (who you might remember from Garden State) playing Jimmy, a fellow junkie and Danny Parker's only real friend. He's one of those characters that you can't help but feel sorry for. Danny's playing everyone through the whole movie but Jimmy is a sweet genuine kid who would do anything for his friend and just got mixed up in the wrong scene. One of the best exchanges between the two is when he shows Danny that in honor of their friendship he got a tattoo of his face on his arm. He didn't have a picture of Kilmer's character so he described him to the tattoo artist from memory.
It's funny, it's sad, its entertaining and engrossing. And I know a certain someone doesn't like sad stories, so to you, I'll say it all works out in the end. It's in my top five of the last twenty years. watch it.


peaches and metal

I'm a Georgia girl born and raised whether I like it or not. I think I've accepted the fact or rather more lovingly embraced it in the last couple of years. And, as luck would have it, there are a few good reasons not to mumble through the state name as quickly as possible when someone asks where I'm from....at least if you have a taste for metal. And I do. Oh, boy do I ever.

Savannah, with its touristy attractions and quaint atmosphere, has been home to several bands I enjoy of late. Spin magazine even detailed as much in a recent article which you can read here. Baroness, which is, by far, my favorite band of the now hails from Savannah along with Kylesa and Black Tusk which also rank pretty high on my list. In fact, not too long ago, I made the 5 hour trek to the city just to see Kylesa and Baroness in concert. It was epic...well worth the time and money spent to get there. I remember standing near the stage, sweaty, completely charged with energy, and feeling so fucking free. So...me.
Here is me in my lovely Kylesa tee:

Black Tusk is the least known and newest of the three bands. They formed in 2005 and have one full length album, Passage to Purgatory, which was released in 2009 from label Hyperrealist. The band has since signed on with Relapse Records which also carries Baroness as well as other greats like Birds of Prey, Mastodon, High on Fire, Rwake, Jucifer, Coalesce (already featured here) and more. The band labels themselves swamp metal but carries that sludge/doom kind of sound that I've been enjoying so often of late. They've recently released songs on several split lps which are worth getting your hands on. So, without further ado, please enjoy the fuck out of this Georgia swamp metal....

p.s. here's a couple of baroness and kylesa vids which will hopefully inspire you to check into them futher.

Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones
January 12, 2010

My first blog/My drunk friend's funny drunk habits...

I'm not really sure what I would like to write about...

I mean, this is my first blog ever. Maybe I should make it the best blog ever...

But if I make the best blog ever then I wouldn't really have much else to say ever again...

Actually, I would have things to say and more blogs to post afterwards, but, they just wouldn't be as good as this one.

So, I think I'll just make this an ok blog. Just ok.

I'm happy with ok...

I'm ok...

I guess I'll start by saying that I live in a really small town on the coast of Oregon...Pronounced: Or-a-gin.... not O-ree-gone, or O-ri-gun. The only thing to do here is to get drunk...which I don't mind doing, but I'm no damn drunkard! I like to drink, but, fuck. It seems like some people here never stop. Constantly stumbling along the main road (which is a highway) mumbling to themselves or to total strangers, or to people that they actually know but the people they actually know still don't know what the fuck is happening because they're so fucking wasted.

The only friend that I've managed to make in this town is one of these drunks. He is the guy that actually hired me at the book store that I currently work at. He was the assistant manager. He has since been fired, partly because of his drinking. Now, he has all day and night to get drunk uninterrupted.

Like I said, I like to drink. But not to the point of blackout. This guy does just that. When he gets drunk, the first thing he starts doing (of course) is slurring. Which is fine, I think that there's nothing funnier than a drunk slurring his/her words. Really, it's funny. Like farts. Call me childish, but, the sound of a fart will always make me laugh. Just like drunks and all their word slurring greatness. Not only does he slur, but he won't repeat anything. If you didn't hear what he said, tough, he will not repeat it (which to me is hilarious), which can be annoying sometimes, but, he's drunk as shit!

The next thing he does is blurt things out. Loud. I'll be having a conversation with someone and he'll be standing there quietly listening for a minute, when out of nowhere we hear him say the following: "Yer HOT! I lie sometimes." to some poor girl trying to mind her own business and talk to her friends. Or, same situation and he'll say this: "I know, right! HAHAHAHAHA!" <---this causes everyone to stop whatever it was they were saying and look right at he and I.

Funny stuff, so, we make our way back to his place to smoke a bowl. It's after 1 am on a work day (for most). He feels the need to crank his stereo up to the point where it doesn't even sound like music anymore. It hurts my ears. But the funniest thing about this part is: He doesn't speak any louder than normal. If he says something, it literally cannot be heard over the music. Please keep in mind that while all this is going on, he can't stand up. Anyway, I usually fuck around with him asking him repeat everything he says. I also ask him to turn it up louder, in a low voice, so that he can't hear me.

I always think to myself: This would be a hilarious movie.

So, that's all I have for my first blog...looking back over it I feel like was rambling about something really stupid and unfunny, I guess you had to be there...but maybe it's better that you weren't. But then again, maybe if you were there It would've been ever funnier.

I thought it was funny....

Did you?

about me. not really.

dear you,

i don't talk about my child or being a mom. i don't talk about my garden. i won't mention my craftiness (often) or how much i save each week with coupons. if you're looking for that sort of thing, you're in the wrong place.

instead, let's abandon the tethers of domestication for a moment and remember what it's like to laugh at vulgarity and the world at large.



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