Boobie Tassels For Buddha

Official2012Countdown.com


Once again, we are nearing devastation. December 21, 2012. Doomsday. The end of the world. 


But wait! not if you're prepared!! if you think ahead, plan ahead, you can make it through the massive solar storms, super volcanoes, earthquakes, geomagnetic reversal, and the total chaos which ensues. Be ready. Be smart. Be alive.


With my 2012 survival kits available now for $2,012, you can be one of the survivors...responsible for continuing the human race. Act now and you can get your second kit for half price!!


Here's what your kit will include:

1 package of beef jerky (specify original, teriyaki, or peppered)
1 can of yellow corn niblits
1 box graham crackers
3 hershey's bars
1 bag marshmellow minis
1 crank radio
2 oil lamps
1 case oil for lamps
1 pocket video game with extra batteries (specify scrabble, yahtzee, or tetris)
1 super deluxe first aid kit including surgical supplies and nitrous oxide
1 case emergency ration bars
3 lb starburst
5 packages juicy fruit gum
1 water purifier
2 cases bottled water
2 sock puppets
4 packages vegetable seeds
1 biochemical suit w/gas mask (available in hot pink, navy blue, and olive)
1 airline approved personal care set including shampoo, conditioner, body wash, lotion, mouthwash, travel toothbrush, deodorant and lubricant
1 cane fishing pole with hooks, corks, and freeze dried crickets
1 kaleidescope
2 vibrators (specify 6 in or 8 in and either black, white, or blue) or naked pictures of bea arthur
10 packages of AA batteries
1 robe with matching fuzzy slippers
1 2013 page a day cat calendar
1 can hairspray
1 butane lighter
2 flashlights w/extra batteries
1 jar instant coffee (not available in decaf)
1 pair ninja stars
1 book of matches from The Dollhouse
1 2 man tent
1 package yellow rice
1 sleeping bag (disney princesses or toy story designs)
1 swiss army knife
2 cans bug spray
1 tube 55 spf sunscreen
1 fleece blanket
1 ax
1 Indiana jones compass and canteen set
1 solar powered flashlight
3 necessary survival manuels (chosen randomly)
1 eagle knickknack
1 case cup o' noodle soups
1 football or soccer ball
1 bag of pure cane sugar
1 pound of marijuana
1 case pinot noir
1 box chamomile tea
1 container orange tictacs
1 box sparklers


This kit contains everything you need to make it through the coming apocalypse with the exception of a generator, a rain barrel, guns, tools, ammunition, food stores, and condoms. It's strongly suggested you check around the site and see about purchasing those items as well. Remember: Be ready. Be prepared. Be alive.


*disclaimer: none of these items are guaranteed to ensure your safety in a true emergency but they might.

I get messages online from a variety of individuals. There are couples looking to experiment, 18 and 19 year old guys wanting to "be" with older women. (Why? Is there even an explanation?) There are people that apparently want me to drive to their homes, fuck them senseless, and drive myself back to my place until I'm in dire need of their manmeat again. There are people looking for relationships or just to go out and have fun, and older men going through their mid life crisis who troll the net for younger women. As I said...I'm contacted by all kinds. 


There's one group that always has me confused. I never know how to take it and even though I attempt hard to reserve judgement, I'm not always successful. A large portion of the men who contact me are married. Some say they are happily married while others admit they aren't but one common thread is they are all sexually dissatisfied. They don't want to hurt their wives so discretion is always important, but they just aren't getting their needs met so after a lot of thought, they've decided that having an affair is their only and best option. I recieved this message below last night and it's representative of what these things usually say:




"How are you, warm I hope. I'll get to the point though and put this out first, would you like to meet sometime and maybe hook up. I'm honesty and want to put what I want out there so you know.

Now the reason I'm online here is that if you look at my profile, yes you will find that I am married, but my married life sucks. I get no sexual satisfaction from my wife as she doesn't have the charisma to just let herself go in bed. She isn't as spontaneous or open with her feelings as me so I'm left with a large hole of desire to be filled. All of this transpired after we married, so it has built up over time.

Unfortunately I'm online to find friends and if it goes to intimate than that is fine. I'm not out looking head first for sex, I'm out looking for others that I can relate to and maybe open up to, maybe that will help relieve some of theis desire, knowing it is allowed to get out either in words or actions. I have been told that I am very laid back, that I don't get upset when I should, like waiting in a long ass line in Wal-Mart and things like that.

I live about 30 minutes south of Valdosta and about 1 hour east of Tallahassee, I work in Valdosta so that is why my profile says Valdosta since I am there everyday. Hope to talk to you sometime, and maybe if you get toward Valdosta or something sometime we can get together and chat or something to eat."


First of all, let me say that I am not above going out with someone who is married. I've done it. I'm not ashamed of it. Would I be someone's long term mistress? No, probably not. But, I guess that has to do more with personal preference than any moral issues. These people are always up front about being married and I admire that honesty so if I'm going to question this publicly, I have to be just as honest myself. 


Have I ever cheated on anyone myself? Yes. When I, myself, was married? It came pretty fucking close. and why is that? Because I was horribly sexually dissatisfied. It's one of the very things that told me it was time to reevaluate my status as someone's wife. So, I can understand how it's possible that someone can end up cheating when something's missing in their sex life. I really do. I didn't actively make a decision, though, to go online and seek out partners for an affair. Flirting with a friend got out of hand in my case and we almost got carried away. Okay, we made out and sexted all the time, so we did get carried away. Also, he finger fucked me on one occasion so perhaps that's still cheating, but that's where it ended. Both of us were married and decided we were really fucking up. Yay to regaining rational thought. 


I did a lot of soul searching afterwards. For awhile and even now, I wonder if a true monogamous relationship is even possible in the long term. I haven't even tried since my divorce. I haven't had the desire. I like my space and my freedom as they are and figure when someone comes along that can make me consider a relationship, I'll give it a shot. I don't feel like I'm missing anything. I don't get lonely. Things are peachy. In my thinking, I also decided that sexual compatibility is a big chunk of the solid foundation a relationship needs to stand on. On a personal level, I married someone that wasn't very experienced in matters of sex. I thought maybe he'd open up over time, but it didn't happen. And, in fact, the fact that I was, well, more than experienced was a taboo subject. I lived scenes right out of Chasing Amy, I kid not. We couldn't try new things. It was all mundane and routine and eventually, I was so bored that we'd have to watch porn for me to even get in the mood. Every time. So, yeah...sexual compatibility is key. Don't marry someone who doesn't fuck you porno style on your couch in the middle of the movie you two are watching if that's something you fantasize about all the time because it isn't going to change after you say your vows. And later on, it'll just cause problems. 


And, I guess that's what gets me. The person who sent me that message above is 25. He can't possibly have been married all that long so doesn't it stand to reason that his wife was the same before they married as now? I feel his pain. I really do, but why get online and look for other women? How about marriage counseling if you really want to stay married? How about not being afraid of change and making those steps to find true happiness? 


But, what about those men who've really been married 20 something years to a woman they love but who doesn't have the drive anymore after giving them a couple of rugrats? Can I blame them for not wanting to divorce someone they care about so much...to not want to walk out on the person who's been there for them for all these years anytime they needed someone, who bore their children...but who still has needs? I don't know. Or, what about all the daddies who don't want to give up time with their kids? Is that even noble in any regard...to fake it for the kids? Or is all that just a copout for someone who really is too scared to make a change? 


And none of that even takes into consideration how I'd feel if I were that wife and I found out about my partner's funtime activities... the humiliation, fear, betrayal, and anger...fuck. 


Such a massively complicated situation, eh?

He must be in possession of jedi mind tricks.

Alright. Here’s the score. I am Canadian. I am francophone. I rock the socks off a lot of people. But I can’t stand human contact, for the most part. I have found myself too often disappointed in the behaviour (yeah, with a ‘u’) of others as well as their numerous failings and the near impossibility of meeting my expectations.

One such failing is the distribution and re-distribution of emails that serve no purpose but to waste mine or someone else’s time. More than likely by some fag at a keyboard who doesn’t feel like attending to the TPS reports on his desk.

At times, however, a gem passes before my eyes. Below you will find one such gem. I share because it’s informative, it’s condescending to Americans in particular and frankly, it makes me feel superior, so I’m a perfect fit for Canada.

Here’s what you need to know…

1. Smarties
2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp
3. The size of our football fields, one less down and bigger balls
4. Baseball is Canadian - First game June 4, 1838 - Ingersoll, ON
5. Lacrosse is Canadian
6. Hockey is Canadian
7. Basketball is Canadian
8. Apple pie is Canadian
9. Mr. Dress-up beats Mr. Rogers
10. Tim Hortons beats Dunkin' Donuts
11. In the war of 1812, started by America, Canadians pushed the Americans back past
their White House. Then we burned it and most of Washington. We got bored
because they ran away. Then, we came home and partied........ Go figure.
12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.
13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew
during any war to anyone, anywhere. EVER.(We got clobbered in the odd battle but
prevailed in ALL the wars).
14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and lasted a little over an hour.
15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary. He
slept in and missed the whole thing. He showed up just in time to get caught.
16. A Canadian invented Standard Time.
17. The Hudson’s Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still
around as the world's oldest company.
18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in less than 3
minutes. (That's more information than I need!)
19. We know what to do with the parts of a buffalo.
20. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, Velcro, zippers, insulin, the paint roller,
roller skates, duct tape, the jolly-jumper, air-conditioned vehicles, the
Zamboni, the barcode, the Blackberry and the telephone. Also short wave radios
that save countless lives each year.
21. The light bulb was actually invented by a Canadian (Henry Woodward patented it in
1874). The patent was bought by some obscure American named Edison who
improved upon the design and took credit for inventing it.
22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.
23. A Canadian invented Superman.
24. We have coloured money.
25. Our beer advertisements kick ass {Incidentally...so does our beer}

BUT MOST IMPORTANT !

The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.

That’s a light dusting of Canadian sugar on your fat US tongues…but there are so many more…lemme know if you need any explained.

Don't feel too bad, Dorothy. I know what you're going through. Just try sifting through my pof mailbox and you'll get it. Here, why don't we just take a quick peek and see what's new there tonight.

bezeasy writes: a smile 2 keep d day,a hug to keep u 
warm, a kiss to show i care, a rose
to show how much u mean......u are
one beautiful and special being i'd
really wanna know......like to know u
for real

When I was younger, my friends and I would often 'drive around' (That means we smoked pot in the car while we were driving through one neighborhood after another). It was the really the only thing we had to do at the time because we were still not old enough to go to any of the bars. This is a common activity in Phoenix for most young stoners. It was during one of these driving adventures that my friend, we'll call him "T", who was driving decided to tell a joke. As I said before, this was when I was younger...at least five years ago, and I was a mega stoner back then, so my memory is shit and I can't remember the exact wording of the joke. Here's what I remember:

"T": What do you call this? (He then pantomimed, flailing his arms)

I don't know...

"T": Guy in a wheelchair playing basketball!

"T": What do you call this? (More pantomiming, more flailing)

What?...

"T": Guy in a wheelchair playing baseball!

"T": What do you call this? (More)

I don't know, what? (At this point we're wondering if he even knows what he's talking about)

"T": Guy in a wheelchair doing the long jump!

"T": What do you call this? (He then pantomimed pushing himself along in a wheelchair, while slapping himself in the forehead).

We laughed a little bit and said "I don't know what's that?"

"T": Guy in a wheelchair running the hurdles.

We broke out in laughter. Kind of a dumb joke, but, it was funny. We were baked.

Before the laughter died down, the girl sitting next to me in the back of the car (an acquaintance) turned to me and leaned in towards my ear as if to tell me a secret. This is what she whispered to me:

"People in wheelchairs can't do hurdles."

• Bry Bry Says:
June 9th, 2009 at 10:41 pm

Looks like a dude to me

• Anonymous Says:
June 9th, 2009 at 10:50 pm

That's cuz u r gay.

• fingfangfoom Says:
June 10th, 2009 at 12:29 am

yeah a dude constructed completely out of hot female body parts... rinse the semen from your eyes round-mouth.

Life has a funny way of making a hypocrite out of you.

When I was a young lad there were some things I used to do, namely shoplift and smoke. I used to have a paper route that got me up nice and early after I was finished said route I used to go to 7-11. Now I'm not sure exactly how mildly retarded you have to be to work the overnight shift at a convenience store but I'm going to guess fairly. I used to go into the store chat up the guy working there and when he went in the store room I would get myself some gum or whatever and put it in my newspaper sack. Looking back on it now what 30 year old guy wouldn't suspect some teenager wearing a sack? And, what 30 year old guy wants to talk to a 13 year old kid? Maybe he was just a child molester and trying to gain my confidence so he could take me into the back room and touch me.

The other thing I liked doing was smoking, I used to smoke and smoke and smoke. In fact the first cigarette I had was shoplifted by my friend from the previously mentioned 7-11. I just realized that store is responsible for everything I am today. I should write them a thank you letter, or maybe a letter of intent to sue. So basically my day was all about thievery and smoking and hanging around looking like I was up to no good, which in fact I was.

The point to all the previous words is this;

The other day I saw a bunch of boys looking like they were up to no good and smoking and I thought to myself "Stupid little fuckers up to no good and smoking what a bunch of losers". Almost immediately it was followed up with another thought "Holy shit that was me like 20 years ago". When I was the kid in this little story I always thought to myself how cool I was and how old people were so lame. Oh how the tables have turned, turned right around been tipped over and slightly damaged.

I guess the morals to this story are, don't judge other people before they are hatched and don't talk to strange child molesters who work in retail stores.

If I had known you'd turn out like this, I never would have named you what I did.

I'm not exactly sure what that means but I sort of laughed anyway when my mother said this to me. I don't know what images the name Jenni/Jenny/Jenniy or Jennifer inspires but apparently the Jenniy that I portray doesn't exactly mesh with whatever my mother had in mind when she chose the name.

In my head, I went over the list of me items wondering just which ones offend the name so much. Is it being a single mom working and going to school and handling it on my own? Is it my recent college graduation (with a 4.0 I might add)...as in am I too smart for the name? Her tone of voice surely didn't make it seem like a positive thing. Could it be that I'm divorced? Not sensible considering she is too. Is it the fact that I've never really been in trouble or my independence or my bluntness?

I'm a beautiful little tattooed, gum chewing freak (movie reference). Sinead O'Rebellion. Shock me, shock me, shock me with that deviant behavior. That's the problem. My style--hair and clothes and makeup, my tattoos, my choice in music all violates the name I carry. My frankness, my free spirited nature, my lack of care for what the rest of the world thinks of me, my enjoyment of wine and whiskey and other mind altering substances, my disinterest in keeping my house spotless, and my love of fucking are apparently all wrong for my name. I think it's a little too late though to start changing the very essence of my being to suit the moniker I've been stuck with since birth, though. So, perhaps it's time for a name change.

Which begs me to ask the question... what are Jennifers supposed to be like?

And also, what sort of name should a Freak Like Me be signing autographs with???

PAM???

I'm willing to take suggestions.


Also, I often feel like I'd have fit in just fine with these characters especially since I would have let Daniel (james franco) and Ken (Seth Rogen) double team me every chance I got... and okay, if I were stoned, I would have let Nick (Jason Segel) and probably Kim (Busy Phillips) join in. Okay so maybe every now and then I wouldn't have to be stoned for that. I'm an honest girl.




Freaks and Geeks

The Salton Sea(2002)
starring Val Kilmer

One of my favorite movies of all time. And that's saying a lot. I grew up enjoying old detective stories. The problem with most of the new Detective flicks is that they try way too hard to be noir, failing to realize that you shouldn't have to try. It should be subtle, not using rediculous dialogue, and internal monologue to beat you in the face with noir (Brick is a good example of that. terrible).
This movie is the exact opposite. It has the feeling of an old Detective story without being in your face.
It starts out with Val Kilmer as junkie Danny Parker, hanging out with speed freaks, and informing on other junkies to two narcotics detectives. He lives in a dump, and seems to have a life that's going nowhere. But like any good mystery nothing is as it seems.
The story goes back and forth through flashbacks to reveal the mystery of what happened at the Salton sea, and how Danny got to where he is. Tragedy landed him playing the part of a junkie, but he's there for a reason. Everything he does he does ultimately for justice.
He plays both sides of the law to solve the crime that has taken over his life. He's never who he appears to be, and you quickly find out that he's always in control. I can't say much about the plot without giving it away. Half the fun of the movie is the surprise of finding out whats really going on.
There are some great performances in The Salton Sea, including Vincent D'Onofrio as Pooh bear, a drug dealer who's put so much meth up his nose that he no longer has one, a rediculous plastic one taking its place. He's a ruthless criminal, but he has some pretty funny scenes.
Then there's Peter Sarsgaard (who you might remember from Garden State) playing Jimmy, a fellow junkie and Danny Parker's only real friend. He's one of those characters that you can't help but feel sorry for. Danny's playing everyone through the whole movie but Jimmy is a sweet genuine kid who would do anything for his friend and just got mixed up in the wrong scene. One of the best exchanges between the two is when he shows Danny that in honor of their friendship he got a tattoo of his face on his arm. He didn't have a picture of Kilmer's character so he described him to the tattoo artist from memory.
It's funny, it's sad, its entertaining and engrossing. And I know a certain someone doesn't like sad stories, so to you, I'll say it all works out in the end. It's in my top five of the last twenty years. watch it.


~Quantum

I'm a Georgia girl born and raised whether I like it or not. I think I've accepted the fact or rather more lovingly embraced it in the last couple of years. And, as luck would have it, there are a few good reasons not to mumble through the state name as quickly as possible when someone asks where I'm from....at least if you have a taste for metal. And I do. Oh, boy do I ever.

Savannah, with its touristy attractions and quaint atmosphere, has been home to several bands I enjoy of late. Spin magazine even detailed as much in a recent article which you can read here. Baroness, which is, by far, my favorite band of the now hails from Savannah along with Kylesa and Black Tusk which also rank pretty high on my list. In fact, not too long ago, I made the 5 hour trek to the city just to see Kylesa and Baroness in concert. It was epic...well worth the time and money spent to get there. I remember standing near the stage, sweaty, completely charged with energy, and feeling so fucking free. So...me.
Here is me in my lovely Kylesa tee:




p.s. here's a couple of baroness and kylesa vids which will hopefully inspire you to check into them futher.

I'm not really sure what I would like to write about...

I mean, this is my first blog ever. Maybe I should make it the best blog ever...

But if I make the best blog ever then I wouldn't really have much else to say ever again...

Actually, I would have things to say and more blogs to post afterwards, but, they just wouldn't be as good as this one.

So, I think I'll just make this an ok blog. Just ok.

I'm happy with ok...

I'm ok...

I guess I'll start by saying that I live in a really small town on the coast of Oregon...Pronounced: Or-a-gin.... not O-ree-gone, or O-ri-gun. The only thing to do here is to get drunk...which I don't mind doing, but I'm no damn drunkard! I like to drink, but, fuck. It seems like some people here never stop. Constantly stumbling along the main road (which is a highway) mumbling to themselves or to total strangers, or to people that they actually know but the people they actually know still don't know what the fuck is happening because they're so fucking wasted.

The only friend that I've managed to make in this town is one of these drunks. He is the guy that actually hired me at the book store that I currently work at. He was the assistant manager. He has since been fired, partly because of his drinking. Now, he has all day and night to get drunk uninterrupted.

Like I said, I like to drink. But not to the point of blackout. This guy does just that. When he gets drunk, the first thing he starts doing (of course) is slurring. Which is fine, I think that there's nothing funnier than a drunk slurring his/her words. Really, it's funny. Like farts. Call me childish, but, the sound of a fart will always make me laugh. Just like drunks and all their word slurring greatness. Not only does he slur, but he won't repeat anything. If you didn't hear what he said, tough, he will not repeat it (which to me is hilarious), which can be annoying sometimes, but, he's drunk as shit!

The next thing he does is blurt things out. Loud. I'll be having a conversation with someone and he'll be standing there quietly listening for a minute, when out of nowhere we hear him say the following: "Yer HOT! I lie sometimes." to some poor girl trying to mind her own business and talk to her friends. Or, same situation and he'll say this: "I know, right! HAHAHAHAHA!" <---this causes everyone to stop whatever it was they were saying and look right at he and I.

Funny stuff, so, we make our way back to his place to smoke a bowl. It's after 1 am on a work day (for most). He feels the need to crank his stereo up to the point where it doesn't even sound like music anymore. It hurts my ears. But the funniest thing about this part is: He doesn't speak any louder than normal. If he says something, it literally cannot be heard over the music. Please keep in mind that while all this is going on, he can't stand up. Anyway, I usually fuck around with him asking him repeat everything he says. I also ask him to turn it up louder, in a low voice, so that he can't hear me.

I always think to myself: This would be a hilarious movie.

So, that's all I have for my first blog...looking back over it I feel like was rambling about something really stupid and unfunny, I guess you had to be there...but maybe it's better that you weren't. But then again, maybe if you were there It would've been ever funnier.

I thought it was funny....

Did you?