Boobie Tassels For Buddha

So I work for a customs broker.

Rather than explain what that is and bore you, let me sum up. All that stuff you buy that says "Made in anywhere but the United States" has to come into the United States from somewhere. When it does, a "customs broker" has to facilitate the entry of those goods and make sure Uncle Sam gets his cut of the profits via duties paid.

It's an interesting job which has provided me with a front row seat to see how NAFTA and the World Trade Organization is destroying the U.S. economy and killing the job market. Woohoo! My job pwns yours! *middle finger to all of you*

All of that useless info is not the point of this blog. If you want to know what some of these terms like NAFTA or duties mean, well, you should know how to use Google by now. If you are not living in the United States and are reading this, just ignore everything I've said so far and pretend I work for a law firm or something.

This blog is about some of the whacky people I work with. Before I go on let me say that I used to be a very hard worker. I busted my ass and got a few promotions really quick because I ran circles around everyone. I am lazier now because I've hit a brick wall and the many attempts I've made to move up the ladder have been dashed against the rock that is cronyism. I remind you that I used to be a hard worker so that when I rip into my coworkers for being lazy and stupid it doesn't make it look so bad that I'm writing this blog while I'm at work.

So let me introduce you to a few of the people that entertain me every day. I'm sure you'll recognize a few from your own office experiences. Their names have been omitted to protect the innocent...and my ass if this somehow got around to them:

We start with MP. Oh, where to begin. The lady is whacky. Late forties, divorced with three kids. She is not the brightest bulb to say the least. I keep meaning to write down some of the stuff she says. It's comedy gold. Just her mispronunciations...like when she's feeling stressed she needs to take half a volume.

Her father just passed away which is sad. The fact that she thinks he is trying to contact her via her cellphone is HILARIOUS!! Any unknown calls she gets, she believes is him. She is a firm believer in psychics and has already seen two of them since he died. All my attempts to explain cold reading, and how vague the information the "psychic" has given her so she can fill in the blanks is, fall flat. You can't pay for this kind of entertainment.

All in all, she is a nice person and I actually like her. She thinks I hate her. I imagine she hasn't dealt with much blunt honesty in her life.

Next is MS. I think I've mentioned him before. Bicycling enthusiast. Only child. Emotionally stunted asshole. I feel sorry for his daughter...oh so sorry. I actually went to grade school with him for a few years. Didn't like him then either.

He's that guy. That guy with a better story for every story that gets told. That can't tell a joke to save his life, but still does and laughs at himself. Will make fun of everyone, but gets mad if anyone makes fun of him. Fitness maniac that will drop dead of a heart attack from overstressing his heart at about 40. I want to run him over with my car. I would not feel bad about it.

On to CM. The office bitch/hypochondriac. I want to fuck her in a very painful place in a very angry way. I don't know why I'm attracted to her, but I really really want to do bad things to her. She is kinda pretty...in an odd kinda way. She has an AWESOME ass though.

She is also married. That wouldn't stop me, but apparently she has a problem with it. I know this because I apparently told her that I want to fuck her one evening when everyone went out for drinks after work...and if she wasn't married it would happen. I don't actually remember saying it. I did own up to it though, because it is true. I shouldn't drink. Or maybe I should drink more.

We'll end with JT. I consider him a good friend. We will go out for drinks occasionally and we share a similar sense of humor. Work is a lot more fun with him around. He is one funny motherfucker and will sing along, badly and loudly, with any song on the radio...usually making up his own lyrics.

And he spends most of his time fucking with MS, which is just non-stop fun because MS gets sooooooooo fucking mad at him. MS will try and make fun of JT, but he isn't funny and most of his inults revolve around him being fat or that his ex-wife is a whore. Both of these are true, but not very funny in unskilled hands. Unskilled hands being just saying "You're fat" or "Your wife is a whore". Now when I tell JT I can't answer his question right away because his ex is sexting me, that's funny. Work is a lot more fun when he's around, even though there isn't less work when he is, because he's on the internet even more than me during the day.

There are more, but this is getting kind of long. I'll do more someday when I get the urge.