February 20, 2010

what's yours?

here's the thing. i have a secret. i thought it would be best to share it with you fucking strangers. technically speaking i have innumerable...so do you all. but this is mine.

i have a thing for christianne amanpour. go ahead. mock me. i don't care. but i want her to manhandle me and make me quiver. i've never quivered. i think she could pull that off. i am waiting.

if you think that's my secret though, you got some learning to do lucy. but i'll put it together for you.

i woke up that morning, with stunning morning wood. my wife wasn't home. i had slept in. it was sunny. so i started cranking. as per.

it was going alright, but i hit a roadblock. i couldn't hop over the fence. i was in a holding pattern. my ceiling was suddenly much less appealing. time to turn the tv on for inspiration. CNN. gimme some tan clothes clad CA.

no such luck. some crazy person just drove a plane into a building.

i kept going.

Congrats is in order?

So my divorce was finalized this week, and I have now rejoined the ranks of the single. Still not sure what to feel, or how to react, maybe still in somewhat of shock.

My ex and I have a decent relationship, mainly due to ensuring the kids are well off. She posted a blog elsewhere and mentioned the finalization. But something odd occurred to me. People were giving her congrats on the divorce. Why congrats? Was the marriage well known as being horrifying or anything of that nature? No, not by a long shot. Nobody knew anything about it in all truthfulness. And I guess that's what boggles my mind. How come someone who knows little of the situation even comment on it, let alone say congrats.

I mean, is congrats even in order; considering in all seriousness, divorce can be compared or liken to a failure. If an athlete set out to win a championship, or a gold medal and failed, would you go up to them and congratulate them? Not at all.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset, or angry even. I just don't think there is anything to congratulate anyone about.

This was just eating away, at the back of my mind the past few days, and I needed to put it out there.
Now for something totally random....

February 18, 2010

Conversational masterpiece

Perfectly_inked: that's a mighty big gun sir

Sparkler ass: it's a water gun

Perfectly_inked: can you make yourself magically older?

Sparkler ass: How much older?

Perfectly_inked: Well, you're like 15, right? (or 23 which is really no different from 15)

Sparkler ass: Or 24…how old does 24 equal out to?

Perfectly_inked: 17 which still means you're jailbait

Sparkler ass: So when I'm 30 I'll still only be 6?

Perfectly_inked: When you're 30 it won't matter and I'll feel less like a cougar when I fuck you.

Sparkler ass: As long as you keep it really kinky like pinching my nipples and spitting in my mouth

Perfectly_inked: I'm fond of spitting

Perfectly_inked: Sometimes it's needed

Sparkler ass: Haha…I know right

Perfectly_inked: You can spit on me but not in my mouth…

Perfectly_inked: Or my ass

Sparkler ass: Well SHIT!..where does that leave?

Perfectly_inked: I dunno but I'll let you dip strawberries in my ass.

Sparkler ass: Hell yeah…chocolate covered. Those are delicious.

Perfectly_inked: Can we youtube it?

Sparkler ass: I'm not sure if you can put that on youtube

Perfectly_inked: It's worth a shot

Perfectly_inked: Or two

Sparkler ass: Can I suck a gummy worm out your ass too?

Perfectly_inked: It's a requirement, dude.

Sparkler ass: thank god.

Perfectly_inked: No spaghetti though unless you make kissy noises like in lady and the tramp

February 16, 2010

here is your life. the musical.

Music is vital. The end.

Ok really I could stop there but that isn't the point of this whole thing. I judge people based on music. I freely admit it. No, no I'm not one of those douchebags who only likes bands noone else has ever heard of and who thinks that people with other tastes don't really know what music is... No instead, I judge based on its importance in someone's life. One thing I always ask people who have the potential to be cool...ok wait a second here.

Where in the fuck did my vocabulary come from? Potential to be cool? Who says that? And I say shit like dude, awesome, ditto, buttface, duh, blahblahblah, man, etc. I'm educated and what I come up with is potential to be cool...and apparently I'm also fond of the word fuck in all its forms. Fucking a, right. So yeah anyway, the question.

I always like to ask people what songs would have to be included on the soundtrack to a movie about their life. The number of songs usually varies from like 3 to 10, and the lesser the number, the harder it should be to answer...at least in my opinion. Songs are attached to life events, periods of my youth, people, etc and as the scope narrows down to 3 songs, you have to choose the 3 most defining moments of life as you know it. That's the intention anyway. I mean how is it not next to impossible to name a handful of songs that discuss your most defining moments or events or memories...it’s meant to be a difficult question just for that very reason.

Here's a list of many more than 3. Just call me a cheater. I'm not exactly proud of all these choices but I think that says something for keeping it real. And if you ask me nicely for a top 3 or 5 or however many, I might cooperate.

1. Cyndi Lauper- girls just want to have fun. The earliest memory I have and one of my very rare memories of being a kid is dancing around the house to this song. I'm an 80s child too and its one of those definitive 80s pop tunes. And  despite the trials I've faced in life, I think I've stayed true to the spirit of the tune throughout the years. Its free spirited and a little girly and positive….with my dry humor and generally cunty wit, I know I don’t seem free spirited and girl and positive, but if you really get to know me…the real me, you see it.

2. Cocaine-eric clapton. My dad loved this song. My dad also loved cocaine. A lot. Cocaine can be partly blamed for my inability to remember childhood. Some chronic coke users are pretty violent and ill tempered. Put that sort of cokehead alcoholic as a parent and you get a high stress environment for kids. From the research I've done its pretty common for kids raised in such environments to not have many memories. Your brain is too busy coping and escaping to process and store that info correctly which is why I only have a couple handfuls of memories before age 12. It’s odd, I know, but I’m okay with that. You should be as well. That life, whether I remember it or not, affected who I am now as does the fact that I don't remember it. Cocaine...

3. New kids on the block-hangin’ tough. Go ahead and laugh because I'm totally cringing as I type this but the first ever tape I owned...a birthday present...was nkotb (the second was vanilla ice). I was about 8 or so. One of my parents’ friends asked what I was listening to on my generic walkman one day. I gave him the answer. He asked me didn't I like country. In my best snotty girl voice I said are you kidding me? I already didn't belong here even though I did know all the words to sweet home Alabama.

4. Nirvana-smells like teen spirit. Ok so yeah I know it's like a fucking cliche to bring this one up but this is swear-on-an-elephant's-life the first tape I bought for myself. I didn't even know who the fuck Nirvana was at the time. I had money and wanted something new, different from everything I already knew about. I just picked it up randomly out of the rock section in a Kmart. Track 1 side 1 was smells like teen spirit. Man, I was hooked right there. It was just after my folks split. It was a brand new world... sort of scary with my dad threatening to kill my mom all the time and weird being out of the house I’d grown up in, but new all the same. Changed. And there was nirvana to open up even more possibilities. So fuck your cliches. This shit meant something to me. Evolution. It gave me the ability to live on land...to rise out of the muck. Plus, my mom fucking hated it. I listened to counting crows back then too so fuck you.

5. Neil Young-Rockin' in the Free World. I hung out with this band when I was like 13/14. They did a bitchin' cover of this song as far as my memory serves me. I was stoned during those years though so my opinion on that isn't as solid as it could be. Those years were full of me trying to fit in with these kids anywhere from 3 to almost 10 years my senior in some cases just because they bought drugs from my dad. A 13 year old kid hanging out with guys in a band for shows and practices and recording...well it definitely has an effect. Even if it wasn’t good, it was live, and I'm still a live music junkie. I couldn't get enough and still can't even now. And how about this song? Fucking awesome. I can't hear it without thinking back on those days and laughing a little at what a hot mess I was. There’s a separate blog for this coming.

6. bush-glycerine. I was sexually assaulted when I was 13. That’s how I technically lost my virginity. Every person deals with it differently. A lot of women, I guess, become pretty afraid of men or unable to be intimate or something weird like that. Me? No. It was like the specialness had been taken away from me so fuck it. The first time I thought I wanted to have sex followed not long after that. I snuck out of my house to meet a boy quite a few years older than me and he snuck out, stole his parents car to drive out. We parked down the road and made out and then I climbed in the driver’s seat with him. This album was playing and I remember this song in particular. In fact, I’m still bad about singing to myself if music is playing while I’m fucking.  The guy was a jerk but aren’t all the guys I like? Yes. Actually, we still see each other buying groceries from time to time and say our hellos. We stayed friends for a long fucking time…in fact, he would’ve moved me in and married me if I’d been okay with that sort of life. Considering he spent most of the years we were friends in prison writing me letters, I thought it might not be the best decision I could make. I still care a lot for him though.

7. Eric Clapton-wonderful tonight. Ok. Fine. My life so far is a musical cliché. I’m fine with that I think. I’ve grown. It’s been a journey. That’s what counts, right? Right. So. When I was in 8th grade hanging out with that band and getting stoned with my dad, I did manage to make some friends my own age. I’m still pretty close to a couple, actually. One of those is T. She used to come to my house on the weekends to share drunken secrets and just hang out. We got into too much shit for 14 year olds. We stole my dad’s car. Snuck out. Drank too much. Snuck people over. We were all trouble. No matter what though, we always had the music going. My dad had an actual bar in our house with beer lights, booze, and a killer sound system. We’d listen to tunes until my dad would stalk up the hall in his whitey tighties and tell us to turn the fucking shit down or off. This song was always on our playlist. My fault. I’d make her dance with me to it all the time. She’s always been the person I could talk to about anything and not have to worry about being judged. Everytime I hear this song I think about her. I’d have to say that she was the first true friend I ever made. The song and the fact that I still love dancing to it also sort of shows that romantic side I have that I try to keep carefully hidden from most people.

8. Beck-loser. When my parents divorced, I left with my mom. She met my stepdad and moved in with him not too long after the split. It was just too much change. Combine that with the fact that I was tired of hearing them fucking all the time, so I moved back home. It hurt her badly, but I didn’t know what else to do.  I didn’t really have a clue how it would be. Memory didn’t serve me. It was fucking wild and eventually I was forced to move back to Mom’s once again. My dad was arrested for trafficking and that would leave me alone with my soon to be stepmom who treated me more like competition than anything while he served whatever sentence he’d get. Besides that, everything in the house had escalated to levels that would eventually lead to injury. Possibly death. I’m not exaggerating or kidding. It was fucking crazy. My mom lived in a well to do neighborhood so suddenly I was living in the same area as the kids who gave me so much shit at school. This song came on when some friends of mine were giving me a ride home and it became my anthem. They would sing it when I came over or walked up to their little gatherings in the morning. It stuck for a long time. Perhaps they would even sing it to me now if I were to come up on one of them randomly. It was also pretty ironic. Moving back into my mom’s meant that I’d actually have to straighten up a bit. No more staying stoned all the time or drinking regularly. Sneaking out was almost impossible as was sneaking people in. I had rules and a curfew for the first time in years. I had structure…it wasn’t exactly the right kind. It helped me from getting too crazy, but it made me rebel harder in a lot of ways. Either way, it was important times for me including with the people I associate with the song. Let’s just say at that time, I was going through a little experimental phase that never completely left me…

9. doors-people are strange. Growing up around here was fucking hard when you don’t fit the standard and think outside the box. Quite often, the people here have made life hellacious. The friends I did have were more like the misfit toys than anything else….we fit together simply because we didn’t fit anywhere else. “people are strange when you’re a stranger. Faces look ugly when you’re alone.” I mean, some people say it’s about an acid trip, but fuck it…growing up in south Georgia is like the redneck version of the circus on fear and loathing in las vegas. Trust me.

10. led zeppelin-heartbreaker. I’ve never been much for relationships. In all my 28 years, I’ve had maybe 3 and one of those happened when I was about 17 which really doesn’t count in the grand scheme of adult relationships. Either that or I’d just rather forget that one. I’ll let you make that call. Either way, when I do actually settle in and commit myself to someone, it’s fucking serious. This song is my first and only real heartbreak. People have hurt me. People have come and gone, no doubt, but I mean real, life changing, unable to mend it, heartbreak on this one. Just the once. This guy and I had been friends starting in 9th grade. We flirted and had crushes on each other but I’d never let it go further because I really didn’t want to hurt him. I really thought I’d break him. He was a fucking virgin for fuck’s sake. Anyway, some months after we graduated, I called him up and told him I was in love with him and had been for years. Long story short….we moved in together. He helped me draw my first tattoo. He was with me. We talked about getting married. Then one day after we’d lived together for a year and a half, he decided he couldn’t handle all that responsibility. It killed me. I did that whole can’t eat or sleep and cry til the snot runs out your nose thing for a couple weeks. Like every other time in my life, I had to pull my shit together and move on. Get a better job, pay the bills on my own, live on my own, the whole 9 yards. I was 20, though, and I survived. I still think of him fondly with a small little twinge. Heartbreaker because of one fucking lovely line “some people cry and some people die by the wicked ways of love, but I’ll just keep rollin’ along with the grace of the lord above…”

No matter what, you have to keep on l-i-v-i-n

11. red hot chili peppers-under the bridge. I don’t deal well with death. At all. When I was living on my own and trying to make it all work, I met a guy in the marines stationed not too far from the town I lived in. He had to live on base, though, and his car was in Texas where he lived so either he’d get friends to drop him off at my place and I’d take him back or I’d have to make the trip to see him. One of the trips to take him back to base, I took a friend along. She and I were going to make a day of it…go to the mall, do some shopping, go out to eat, etc. We never made it. Soon after dropping him off, I told her we had to go back home. I didn’t know why at the time, but I did know that it was imperative I get home.  It’s about a 2 hour drive but we really must have timed it just right. My phone was ringing as I put the key in the lock at my apartment.

Yeah. S’me.
Hey. It’s k.
Oh yeah hey. What’s up, dude?
I’ve got some news. Are you sitting?
What? Whatever, man, just tell me. What’s going on?
Matt’s dead. I just saw it on the news. Somebody shot him.

Cue me falling to my knees on the kitchen floor. They just gave way. He was a friend. My first phone sex partner. The person I shared secrets with who I never ever should have shared secrets with…someone I gave a pair of my undies to…that I could talk to for hours on end. He was 19 when he was shot and left to die. I took it really hard even though he wasn’t the best of friends or someone I had been close to at the time it happened. It really had a huge influence over how I saw the criminal justice system and influenced my decision to go into forensic psychology. It’s the reason I work with death row offenders to fight the death penalty. I can’t hear even the first few bars without thinking of him. I’ll carry him with me always.

12. afi-this time imperfect. Why don’t I have any love songs or songs that represent cherished current relationships? Take that to mean whatever you will. I’m not an afi fan. I do like this song though, always have. This song fits perfectly to the emotional turmoil I felt going into the separation and such with my son’s father. “I cannot stay here I cannot leave. Just like all I loved, I’m make believe.” and “I’d show a smile but I’m too weak. I’d share with you could I only speak, just how much this hurts me.” It was a tough choice. I’ve no doubts even when my days are their hardest that I made the right one. I was impeded by that relationship on all sorts of levels. It’s like this place hypnotizes you into settling in here and I almost fell for it completely. No matter what though, it wasn’t an easy choice. I had to think about what was best for my son…to have his parents together under one roof or to see them happy. I want him to know love for what it truly is and see that happiness is worth working your ass off for …that nothing worth a fuck comes easily. Hard lessons but sound, strengthening ones…

13. baroness-red sky. About a year ago, not even, someone told me to listen to Coeur by baroness. On the first lp. That particular person said I didn’t know what music was and that if I wanted to find out, I’d give it a try. He was right in a way. It was something I needed and it changed what music  meant for me. Coeur was good but when I played red sky, I was awed. Filled. Thus began my latest music evolution. That song, the band in general, and the whole genre have made me passionate about music for the first time in years and years. I’d been just getting by on the few things I knew already with very little searching and experimenting to find what truly hit me. Things are different and I’m happier for it. I ride songs these days enjoying every last beat, riff, growl…it isn’t simply a matter of listening. Breathe it. To a lot of people, it would seem such dramatic bullshit to say one song could change you so fundamentally, but it happens. Those who disagree are missing out on so much.

14. norma jean-robots 3 humans 0. Okay, I’m not religious and the fact that this song is probably something with a Christian base really doesn’t matter to me at all. I have a 4 year old who loves to ‘rock out’. He loves suicide silence and winds of plate (winds of plague..hahaha). he’s a white chapel fan and he totally digs baroness if you ask him on a good day. His dad got him into the devil wears prada and slipknot, but what can I do? He also loves the robot song because, I’m sure, it has robot in the name and according to him, robots are cool. Norma jean doesn’t have a bad sound at all especially some of their early stuff. It’s a fuckload better than slipknot, for sure, so he could definitely pick worse things. We sing this song often. In the grocery store. At family dinners. In the car 3 times in a row. At the house as loud as we can stand it. Sometimes he gives me his toy microphone and he grabs his spongebob acoustic and we get serious about it. It’s these times that melt my heart for that kid. He’s too wickedly cool for a smartypants 4 year old. It’s these interactions that really define our whole relationship. I’m his mom, sure, but we’re friends. We talk about music and we sing and play…good times. We’re loud and obnoxious and it’s great. Everynight  when I tuck him in, I tell him he’s my absolute favorite person ever. 99.9% of the time I mean it with every fiber of my being.

15. the black keys-have love will travel. This is my attitude towards love right now and has been for a few many months and will continue to be, I’m sure. “if you need lovin’ baby, I travel…” that sounds sluttier than it really is. Basically, I love being out on the road and seeing new places. I’m most peaceful behind the wheel on a 3, 4 5, 6 or more hour road trip. Youre in complete control of your life in a way that you don’t get on a day to day basis…at least it’s that way for me. So, I do travel…to meet new people, to be with friends, for the love of music and I do believe I’d travel far and wide for the right kind of love period. It’s not something that’s supposed to be easy.  ‘from maine down to mexico…” anyone up for a road trip or wanna let me sleep on their couch a few days?

16. rolling stones-you can’t always get what you want. I don’t think this song really needs explaining. I have what I need. 

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February 15, 2010

every now and then

dear nonexistent boobietasselsforbuddha fanbase,

So...every once in awhile I boycott the internet. It takes up too much of my time and I spend more effort on online only friendships than I do with my real life friends because it's easier. It's easier to sit in panties and a tshirt in the comfort of my own home and not worry about whether my lip gloss is looking fresh and my ass looks okay in the skirt versus the jeans but I'm wearing heels so it shouldn't really matter but do they really match this skirt or do I look completely retarded or does anyone even notice what my shoes look like at all?

At home, I can listen to the music I like and my witty responses aren't really timed and if I don't feel like talking to someone, I can feign internet trouble. Sigh. If only real life could be so easy...

1. what does it mean when a person discusses the acting genius that is vince vaughn just after you choke down a load?

2. my coworkers read this blog and report back to my boss what's written here. i've been asked to refrain from referring to them here. i imagine most people reading this don't even know whether anything i've written here actually happened and since you don't know where i work or the names of my coworkers, it was really an unnecessary complaint.

3. The internet and texting abilities have been taken away at work. there's not much left for anyone to complain about there. i assume that's why my blog was a topic. i'm also betting that eventually, my clothes will be mentioned if they haven't already.

4. if you hadn't noticed, my job has more drama than a friday episode of the young and the restless. i might be violating someone's pivacy by saying so....at least in their minds.

5. i watched funny people with adam sandler and seth rogen. besides the fact that seth rogen was fucking phenomenally hot, the movie was enjoyable. i totally dug the dark humor employed through most of it... i just don't think a whole lot of people are going to get it.

6. right now, i'd really like someone to come over for a glass of wine and to watch rocknrolla with me. i've become a guy ritchie fan.

that's my 6 randoms for the day...one for everyday i boycotted the net. please share some randoms yourself.

love always,


about me. not really.

dear you,

i don't talk about my child or being a mom. i don't talk about my garden. i won't mention my craftiness (often) or how much i save each week with coupons. if you're looking for that sort of thing, you're in the wrong place.

instead, let's abandon the tethers of domestication for a moment and remember what it's like to laugh at vulgarity and the world at large.



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