March 25, 2010

BTFB Presents: Sober House Atlanta

On this season of Sober House, addicts on the East coast will be living together for treatment for 6 weeks in order to overcome their addictions. 

Day 1

{facing the camera}

Hi ya'll! My name's Jenniy and I'm here at Sober House Atlanta because I'm an addict. I'm addicted to candy. Twizzlers...Runts..Charleston Chews...Airheads...gummy worms. Last week, I melted down an entire box of Nerds and injected every last drop between my toes over a 4 hour span with an 18 gauge needle. I can't get enough...

{jumps up}

Hey...wait! camera guy!! camera guy!! yeah, you... Is that a bag of Sour Patch Kids? No, man...I'm serious. Is that a bag of SPK's? oh god. you're holding out on me. I will totally suck your *beep* for those, daddy...

{camera falls, turns off}

{Dr. Drew and Jenniy in his office}

Ms. French...why did you come here?

I need help. I want help, Dr.

You're drooling, for god's sake. Look at you! You're an absolute disgusting mess. 

Oh, um wait, no, Dr. D....that's not drool. {blows a kiss at the cameraman as her eyes roll back in her head}

What's going on here?

Oh...I sucked his dick for half a bag of SPK's. Cheap bastard. 


{camera shuts off}

Day 2

{group therapy session on the back deck with dr. drew, jenniy, brandon, and michelle}

My lowest point was a few weeks ago... Michelle, Brandon, and I hit our dealer, Wal Green, and got quite a selection of goodies. Nerds, runts, junior mints, sweetart gummies, twizzlers, reese's pieces, chocolate bars, haribo gummy colas, sugar babies, charleston name it. All of this just for one movie and we'd already had a few hits of the stuff we'd bought earlier. Somewhere between the sugar babies and runts, I lost it. I ended up overdosing in Michelle's bathroom with vomit breath that still tasted like chewy nougat centers...I lost like 6 hours. When I woke up, I knew it was time to get help or this time next year, I'll be a diabetic amputee {cries}

{scene fades}

Day 3

{Jenniy in the living room crying on the sofa, looks up}

Hey, you...cameraguy...come here for a second. it's ok. come here...come on... I'll do anything. Please. Don't you have just one sour gummy worm? My head hurts and I'm shaking. See? Please, man. I'm begging. I swear I'll do anything for it. Wanna see my tits? Touch them?

{her face changes after the cameraman's muffled voice is heard in the background}

*beep* you then, *beep*ot! What? You wanna go? Huh? you *beep* can't handle me, that's all it is, you tiny *beep*ed mother*beep*er...

{she charges and punches toward the camera which immediately shuts off}

Day 4

{in dr. drew's office}

Ms. French, we can't allow violent behavior here at Sober House. I'm going to have to ask you to leave. 

What? Why? Why?!! It's a lie, man. I did nothin' wrong. 

We have you on camera offering to let one of the cameramen touch your breasts for a gummy worm and when he refused, you punched him. You need more serious treatment than we can provide here. 

That's bull*beep*. I was playing around with him! Joking! I'm a joker. Haven't you read my blog? Oh my god. {crying} I can only take so much verbal abuse. I came here for help and you're telling me I'm too *beep*ed up to be fixed. I need to get off this *beep*. Please? Please? {mascara's running all down her face}

Fine but we'll have to set up some very strict rules. {drew counts off each on his fingers}

1. You will ween yourself off slowly with peppermints. Peppermints only. 3 a day this week, 2 the next, one each day for 2 weeks, then you're done. 

2. No caffeine. 

3. No aspartame or splenda.

4. If you have any more violent episodes, you're out. 

5. if you offer any sexual favors to anyone in trade for more candy, you're out. 

ok. ok. {sighs} I can do all that. I can do this.

Wait...there's one more thing. I don't want you trading one feel good habit for another so no sex or masturbation until you're off the peppermints. None. 

What? I can't even masturbate? Forget it. I'm out of here. 

about me. not really.

dear you,

i don't talk about my child or being a mom. i don't talk about my garden. i won't mention my craftiness (often) or how much i save each week with coupons. if you're looking for that sort of thing, you're in the wrong place.

instead, let's abandon the tethers of domestication for a moment and remember what it's like to laugh at vulgarity and the world at large.



talk amongst ourselves

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