August 5, 2010

It's Adam & Eve not Adam & Steve, but Amanda & Eve are ok if they're both hot...

Oh, those precocious faggots are at it again!

I won't get into the legal mumbo jumbo, though I could. It would just make you sleepy. To sum up; some judicious dude in California overturned the gay marriage ban that was invoked by proposition 8.

You can read his entire ruling here:

You probably should since it is some of the most wonderfully written common sense I've encountered recently. The part I love the best though is that he comes right out and says, “Hey, you uptight religious people...this is NOT about you. It never was, it doesn't affect you, so shut the fuck up.”

The shut the fuck up part was just me improvising.

Marriage in the Unites States is a civil matter, not a religious one. They can perform the ceremony to "make it official" but they still need a marriage license. And a religious institution's acceptance or non-acceptance of a marriage means nothing under state law. I can declare myself Pope all I want, make up certificates, and even wear a pointy all means nothing if the Vatican doesn't recognize me as Pope.

Nobody is telling these institutions, or ANYONE for that matter, that they aren't allowed to say that they think gay marriage is wrong. Go right ahead. You're allowed. Nobody is trying to take your small mindedness away from you. And, this is the kicker for me; nobody is forcing any religious institution to perform gay marriage ceremonies. Listen long enough and you'd think homosexuals are some form of spiritual termite, eating away at people's faith. That's some strong faith you got there if the Village People are a threat to it.

I just don’t get it.

Maybe it's because I'm more open minded.

Maybe it's because I know quite a few homosexuals, and know that they are good people trying to live their lives happily.

Maybe it's because I've seen some gay couples grow old together and seen one of them die and their partner left destitute because they didn't have the same protections as a heterosexual spouse.

Maybe it's because I've seen so many heterosexual people treat marriage like it's a joke, and then rally against homosexual marriage as if getting married by an Elvis impersonator is somehow sacred.

Maybe it's because I don't believe in a book written by chauvinistic, fearful and ignorant men that thought, "Hey, wouldn't it be cool if God thought we were the most awesome and cool group of people on the planet, and he would smite anyone that was mean to us! Shit, if we could convince people that this was true we could make all kinds of rules to our advantage. And I bet no one would ever mess with us again!!" Ouch, that last part kind of backfired on you, didn’t it? Didn’t leave enough Bibles in hotel rooms in Germany, eh?

What, too soon? Maybe it’s only funny when people of faith treat a group of people like they’re less than human. My bad.

Maybe it's because of all of these things that I don't consider this to even be an issue. They deserve the right to a civil marriage and the government protections that come with it. To say otherwise is to say they are less than human. And remember, I said human for all you assholes that like to say, “Well if we allow this then people will want to marry their dog!” NO! No no no no no you ignorant fucks!! You do realize you just said that a homosexual is the equivalent of a dog, right? You're an idiot.

I'm also very happy that I do think this way. I like to think it means evolution hasn't passed me by as I hear my Dad listening to the news and saying that he hopes this gets to the Supreme Court before Obama puts another fag loving liberal on the bench. My relief at not being like my Dad isn't because he's a bad person. He isn't a bad person. He’s just misguided like so many others...misguided by a faith that doesn't allow for free thinking and ignores the most important lesson it teaches, to love one another.

More and more the saying, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions" makes sense to me. I don't know if the person that said it meant it to be taken the way I take it. I see it as those who are well meaning and truly love their fellow man are on a path away from the heaven that religion offers.

I'm sorry if this offends anyone reading this, but your sense of superiority offends me. I'll take your forgiveness as a given.

August 4, 2010

I Make A Difference!

Today, at least in the utterly vanquished acropolis in which I live, is Make A Difference Day.

This means that the local newspaper lines the city streets with brightly shirted, and likely unemployed, "volunteers" to sell their rag for an extra 50 cents. That extra 50 cents goes toward making a difference in the lives of local children. I can only assume that means taking them from their birth parents and exporting them to a third world country....or they have a better chance at a prosperous existence.

Now I'm sure some of you are saying, "Oh, it can't be that bad!” You people can just zip it. I would like you to watch the series Life After Man. It's on one of those educational stations that you regularly avoid watching. Look very closely at how the cities appear about 10 years after man has ceased to exist and no longer takes care of his creations. That is where I live.

Back on topic.

Now I'm usually very deft at avoiding the guerilla tactics employed by these paper hawking Sandinistas. It's not that I don't want to make a difference in the lives of's the fact that I wouldn't pick up a copy of this newspaper if it were free. Homeless people walk to trash bins in other cities because it isn't even fit for a park bench blanket. Children refuse to wear hats made out of it for fear of being mocked for not only wearing a newspaper hat, but an awful one at that. Silly Putty refuses to transfer the print because it's simply too embarrassing. It's just bad is what I'm trying to say.

So I'm able to avoid them at the end of my street by pretending the stop sign is actually a yield sign and squealing my tires around the corner. I hit the next two green lights like clockwork and resist the urge to cackle maniacally with my window rolled down. Then I turn on to Pine Avenue and it's time to take things seriously. I have to run the single lane, slow traffic, high pedestrian gauntlet on the only street left in the city with more businesses than boarded up windows.

I'm far too clever for them though. The real trick is to never make eye contact and never ever pull all the way up to a red light. Hang back until it changes and then gun it...laughter and rude gestures as you go by entirely optional. Mission accomplished as I pull into Tim Horton's for my coffee, as at this point I'm home free and have a clear shot to work.

You, dear reader, would have had quite a laugh as the smug look fell off my face when I was assaulted by the sight of brightly colored shirts waiting at the entrance to the drive thru.

*shakes fist at the heavens*

Oh you clever bastards. Not only did they find the highest traffic area in the entire city, a Tim Horton's drive thru, they staffed it with the two cutest (and probably only financially compensated) girls they could find. One blonde and one brunette in shirts quite obviously a few sizes too small. These tabloid tarts had already sold about three stacks of newspapers. No clearer case of entrapment have I ever witnessed. I was simply done for.

So there is blight upon my desk at work today in the form of an awful newspaper. And there are two cute girls with free cups of coffee somewhere in the city, probably receiving an award for breaking a sales record.

Kudos ladies...kudos.

August 3, 2010

She's Truly Outrageous

A long time ago, in a land far, far away called the 80s....

I had a Jem doll.

Poster girl for dissociative personality disorder

Jem was one of those shows created around a line of toys (Hasbro) like GI Joe, The Transformers, and My Little Pony. The basic plot of the show involved Jerrica Benton, the main character, having a "secret" identity as a rockstar. By day, she owned a music company and a foster home for 13 orphaned girls. By different time of day, she was Jem of Jem and the Holograms, a rocker girl whose badassness could hardly be rivaled. The shows the band played were used to fund her good girl activities and she always foiled the attempts of bad girl rival bands like the Misfits out of stealing her thunder. Bad girls, seemingly, never win even in the world of animated bubblegum pop rock...

I wonder what would happen if these Misfits were pitted against the real Misfits in a Battle of the Bands....I also wonder who would spend more time doing their makeup. Both are equally scary, but would it be more involved to tease that pea soup hair and electrify those cheeks or gel that one strand into the perfect face blocking place?

Jerrica transformed from herself to Jem by aid of a hologram machine and a pair of nifty earrings which would envelope her in Jem's image. And, of course, no girl show is complete without some romance. In this case, the love interest was actually unwittingly digging on both personalities. What do you do when you find out your boyfriend is cheating on you with yourself?

I also used to have this Barbie style family of dolls called the Heart family.

This was cute and gaggingly wholesome fun with a Mommy, Daddy, baby girl, and baby boy. Aw! Or not really aw. Not at my house anyway. In my imagination and in my 3 story dollhouse, Mr. Heart used to have affairs on Mrs. Heart with Jem.

That is correct. Before the age of ten, I made Jem into a cheap homewrecker. That bitch.

But, don't let this fool you into thinking something negative about my perceptions of relationships and that perhaps I'm wired all wrong or my parents' relationship had my views skewed. My parents did get divorced by the time I was 12 but it had nothing to do with infidelity. I'm fairly certain neither of them were cheaters. And, the affairs Mr. Heart had with Jem had nothing to do with the drama of a secret relationship. They snuck around, sure. They hung out on the plastic furniture and she brought over plastic fruit in full rocker costume. She never once saw him in her Jerrica attire. And here's why: in my mind, Mr. Heart simply thought Jem was the coolest girl he'd ever seen.

Jem was something completely different from his American dream family. She loved music and dancing. They listened to Cyndi Lauper and moved around the house singing along. She made up songs for him and dressed differently. She did her own thing and wasn't afraid to be an upwardly mobile woman of the 80s. Okay, so my mind at the time couldn't conceive the term "upwardly mobile woman of the 80s" but I knew she supported herself and didn't need a damn dime of his while his prude of a wife couldn't have gotten a job if her life depended on it (and she'd end up living on alimony checks for the rest of her life). Who wouldn't want the cool girl who could sing her ass off and had flashy earrings? Mr. Heart just couldn't resist.

And, that's why the affair began. I thought Jem was badass. The influence of such a character seems pretty small when your child is watching cartoons on Saturday mornings while you're doing the laundry or sleeping in, but here I am today with that influence still quite apparent with my love of music, self sufficiency, education, tattoos, unique style, and outside the box thinking. Fuck am I ever glad my mom never got the depth of a show like Jem...I imagine I'd be sucking down Xanax in massive quantities right now if my life were anything like that of the nauseatingly domestic Mrs. Heart.

about me. not really.

dear you,

i don't talk about my child or being a mom. i don't talk about my garden. i won't mention my craftiness (often) or how much i save each week with coupons. if you're looking for that sort of thing, you're in the wrong place.

instead, let's abandon the tethers of domestication for a moment and remember what it's like to laugh at vulgarity and the world at large.



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