January 23, 2010

flashbacks and nightmares

Chapter 1

He woke up to the usual pounding in his head, felt the sunlight streaming through the bedroom window before he even opened his eyes. Rubbing the crust from his eyes he could feel the sheen of sweat on his face, inhaling deeply he could smell the acrid aroma of sour booze leaving his body. He put his feet on the floor and stumbled the few steps to the bathroom for his morning piss.
Right hand on the wall to steady himself and left on his cock for aim he started to urinate. Upon looking down to direct the stream he noticed dried blood caked around his thumbnail, not awake enough to give it much thought he finished and walked slowly to the kitchen. Up until recently he would have went to the coffee pot first thing but in the last few months he hadn`t bothered to make coffee, he instead went to the freezer and poured himself a mug of vodka instead. He sat at the table and took a big swallow then lit a cigarette, coughed and took another drag. Holding up his hand he looked at the blood again, his thumb wasn`t the only one with the dried residue on it. He looked his body over as he sat there and didn`t see any fresh wounds, grabbing his mug he went back to the bathroom to check in the mirror. Not spotting any cuts on his face he ran cold water over his hands and watched the reddish brown substance run down the drain as he tried to remember last nights events. Not an easy thing to do lately , as his drinking got worse so did his memory when drinking. It seemed half his life was spent in a blackout state.
He went back to his room and sipped his vodka sitting in a worn recliner and grabbed the remote and turned on the local news. Commercial, “fuck” he said to the walls” there are more ads than fuckin news”. trying to remember anything from yesterday as he waited for the tampon ad to end he had a fleeting thought of going for burritos and beer in a shithole of a cantina over in the Mexican side of town, then riding his bike a few blocks to a dive that had a hot senorita barmaid and pool tables.
The weather came on and it was going to be 94 and sunny, same as the last week and same as the next week, if anything southern California weather was consistent if not perfect for an old biker. Drinking some more breakfast he watched the sports updates without paying any attention to the tv, but thinking about the blood on his hands. “is my brain that fuckin pickled that I can`t even remember my own fuckin life” he muttered to himself while blindly looking out the window. At the end of the newscast he caught a short recap of the lead story about a woman found in a dumpster behind a bar, dead with her neck broken and no id. He knew he had a few things to do today, just wasn`t real sure what they were and hoped a hot shower would revive his memory. He stood under the steamy water and soaped up, rinsed off then got out and did a quick dry off with a worn frayed towel that he tossed back in the corner when he was done. Brushing out his grey hair and beard in front of the mirror he remembered he was supposed to help jeff rebuild the top end of his motor today, well he thought I have something useful to do besides sit here and drink all day.
He went back to his room and pulled on the jeans he wore yesterday and grabbed a t shirt from the dresser. Socks, boots and leather vest followed. Pulling his phone from his vest pocket he put on his glasses to read the screen on the phone and called his friend, telling him he`d see him in a half hour or so and to get all the parts and tools ready. He went back to the kitchen and refilled his mug and drank it down while he had another smoke. By the time he finished the second mug of cheap vodka he could smoke his malboro without his hand shaking.
After a quick ten minute ride using side streets to avoid freeeway traffic he pulled up into jeff`s driveway and parked in front of the open garage. His buddy already had the parts unboxed and tools all laid out on the workbench. The old flh was up on a stand with the tanks already off. The friends hugged and he went in the house and helped himself to a glass of vodka which he took a gulp of and set on the bench. He sat on a small rolling stool and started dismantling the motor. He asked jeff where the 1/2inch combo wrench was and jef said he couldn`t find his, to just use a crescent wrench. Having learned over the years that an adjustable wrench will round off bolt heads and make then unusable too quick he got up and walked over to his bike to grab his own wrench set. He opened the right saddlebag and without looking reached in to grab the leather wrapped set of snap-on wrenches. Instead of the wrenches being on top where they belonged was a small purse.
Curious as to who it belonged to and where it came from he grabbed the purse and the wrenches and carried them over to the workbench. He pulled the zipper open and rooted around until he found a thin wallet and pulled the drivers license from it. Going by the picture on the license he guessed the purse belonged to Dona, the sexy bartender from the bar he was at last night. He put his glasses on and read the license and verified she was the owner. How her purse ended up in his saddlebag while he woke up alone didn`t make any sense, maybe I gave her a ride home last night he thought to himself , I`ll drop it at the bar after I`m done here and put the purse back in the bag. Jeff and him finished up about noon and took the bikes for a run to check out their work, he figured they would hit the bar and between jeff buying drinks for his help and Dona giving him a few freebies for the return of her purse he could get a damn good buzz for nothing today. They pulled into the bars lot at a bit after one after a ride up into the canyon and back.
The blacktop was empty and there was yellow police tape across the front door. He felt a sinking feeling in his stomach and motioned for Jeff to follow him as he sped out of the abandoned lot and headed to the nearest bar that was open

Set in stone

What's wrong with being wrong?


This is a serious question. It's how we learn...by being wrong and then figuring out what's right by trial and error or asking someone who knows already.


Lately though it seems that the norm is that nobody is ever wrong...about anything. Being wrong seems to be an alien concept to some people. It's not wrong, it's just the way they see it. It's just a different point of view.


And while opinions don't always fall under right and wrong, many things do. Some things are just fundamentally wrong. Some things don't work no matter how hard you try to make them work.


We are not infallible. We make mistakes. Sometimes we lose. And it's okay to be wrong. It's okay to come in second. It's what motivates us to be better. It's what makes us strive to broaden our knowledge and work hard so we won't finish second the next time. So that next time we won't have the wrong answer.


Instead there seems to be this idea that everyone is a winner regardless of where they finish. That if you disagree with my idea then there is something wrong with YOU. You have something against ME and therefore your disagreement with my idea is something personal and not that my idea is wrong. And therefore I don't have to listen to your ideas and learn from them. I don't have to accept a differing point of view because that point of view is biased against me. It can't have anything to do with my actual idea, which must be perfect because I thought of it.


I expect that kind of behavior from children. Usually they grow out of it...if they're allowed to grow. And we grow through adversity, not by being carried to the finish line.


We are standing still. Living dead monoliths to our own fragile egos.

January 21, 2010

Ironic, because I hate technology


thank you for calling bob's wireless. please tell me what you are calling about so i can direct your call.
Wireless.
What was that? i heard cable tv. if this is correct say yes.
No.
i'm sorry, i misunderstood. tell me again.
Wireless.
What was that? i heard home phone. if this is correct say yes.
No.
i'm sorry, i misunderstood. tell me again.
WIRELESS FUCK!!!! FUCKING W, FUCKING I, FuCKING R...
it's an old gag now, but seriously. en-fucking-raging.

I spent a number of hours on the phone this week trying to get myself a new phone. My phone cpy has a thing where if you have a phone for 24 months they'll give you big savings on new phones. And they make you sign a 3 year contract for service. I should have shot myself over it years ago.

Anyhow. My terms are not up yet, i don't have enough points for a new phone. but I'm cheap. And not having as much bank as you want serves as the basis for a lot of ingenuity or more likely perseverance in the face of common sense. I inquired about the advantages of being a government employee. One guy, by the name of Anish told me i would get rock bottom pricing on a new handset. well that's peachy. Another guy, Jeff, later told me i have to change my plan to an employee plan before I can save any bank. OK. Do it Jeff. But no, Jeff can't do it, it has to be done in a store. OK. Adam, Store Guy, has no idea what i'm talking about. So I call Bob's Wireless from Bob's Video store. Jenny can't help me. Computers are down.

Next day I call again.

please tell me what you are calling about so i can direct your call.

33 minutes later i'm talking with Goran about my new plan and my new handset...things are looking good. oh. Computers still down, can't close the deal. fuck. Kind of like when that girl had your cock in her mouth at that party in High School, when you got really drunk and fingerfucked her just so she would catch your load with her uvula but she was drunk too, so when she tasted precum she freaked and ran to the bathroom and got sick...exactly like that. let down.

So. I called again today. Every one was shutting me down. Doug, Jennifer, Alice, Donna, Frank...fuckers. I had dropped calls, mis-transfered calls, spent easily an hour on hold (how can I be charming on hold?)and explained again and again exactly what I was looking for.

Finally, i got somebody i could trust on the other end of the line. I'm sorry, what's your name again? My name is Mujib sir. Awesome. Mujib helped me get a $650 phone for under a hundred bucks, no shipping, no admin. Score.

The point here is this. If you want something bad enough, don't stop until you get it.

But a better point is this. If you wanna screw the North American corporation, don't rely on your fellow North Americans to help you. Rely, rather, on Indians!

Yeah, I know, they are outsourcing all the call centre jobs to India which hurts the (North) American industry, thanks Lou, I get it. But, and here is where it gets really complicated. The guys who stole the (North) American call centre jobs all helped me save 550$. That, truly, is all i give a fuck about. Now i can afford to buy those blowjobs that I feel i missed out on at that party in High School.




i'm doomed, baby, and i love it





I'm a big fan of doom metal. Earthride, signed to Southern Lord Records, delivers it in epic doses. And, not so coincidentally, Southern Lord also carries Black Cobra, another of my favorites. So, yeah, Earthride formed in 1997 and released their self titled 4 song ep in 2000. Some of the members came from other bands but regardless of all that, the first album, which is fabulous, came in 2002 and was titled Taming of the Demons. The album is get down and dirty southern fried metal with the gruff vocals of Dave Sherman, Joe Ruthvin reverberating your soul on bass (who has since been replaced by Rob Hampshire), Kyle Van Steinburg's mammoth, grungy, sometimes Hendrix-esque guitar skills, and Eric Little beating the fuck out of the drums behind it all. It's good stuff from that wonderful little state of Maryland which has produced a lot of doom greats.

This album has 8 tracks with a little something for everyone. At times, the combination of deep vocals and heavy, distorted guitar gets you slowly trudging through the muck like on the second track For Mere Remains. But in the next moment, you might be surprisingly lifted and moved by the faster paced , more nimble riffs on tracks like train wreck. Let me tell you, though, (and i think this is what throws a lot of people off), don't download this expecting complicated lyrics and variations in the vocals. That's not the style. This right here is comparable to Motorhead style vocals. It all works together quite well. Just shake off your expectations for what the vocals should be and enjoy what's here. All in all, no matter what sort of interesting words you want to put on it, what you have here is some heavy ass fucking doom metal.

Check them out here.

Enjoy




January 20, 2010

Cartoons are bad?

"Oh, my darling. Oh, my darling. My Clementine!" Boy, I remember that blue hick dog singing and filling my after school with excitement. I sat and watched cartoons like most, and always wanted Coyote to the Road Runner. I watched re-runs of Looney Tunes and Hanna Barbera like it was crack wrapped in pure sugar. I talk often with friends at work about them with adult eyes and noticed most if not all of the old cartoons were filled with sex, drugs, alcohol, a threat of beating the ol' wife, transvestites, gay and lesbian bashing, gang bangs, redneck and hick bashing, racism, pedophile activities, and plain violence that had me laughing till bowled over in pain. Subtle mentions, but they are there. Heck Disney loves to chuck a joke or two for us to catch. They are there and now has me thinking they are the reason this generation is pretty screwed up and tormented. Weee! The party has just begun on why you want to see that donkey show.

Wait! Where are the censors? I know those red tape bastards are around somewhere. We can see a woman's boob but not the nipple? I see a protest spring up every other day about some show or movie causing damage to the youth of America. They have ready made signs and ad campaigns just waiting for the next taint on our kid's souls. When South Park came out I thought this show had it all. A good sense of humor, edgy, and true shock value to have me excited to see what else would be churned out. Then came the bleeding hearts and parents of this great "free" minded country to stomp it's guts out. Long speeches and dress codes barring the show. So, tuning the station to Bugs Bunny must be better and can't possibly damage anyone.

What's up Doc? Well Doc, this bunny, filling the shoes of Groucho Marx, is hands down the funniest rabbit gnawing on a carrot ever to grace the screen. He is also the poster rabbit for many of today's outsiders. This rabbit dressed pretty snazzy in pin up dresses and bikinis, kissed and fondled other men, picked on every race, creed, and religion to have tax free stake in this country. Did he get high? You bet your furry tail he did. He humiliated the redneck Yosemite Sam and hick Elmer Fudd more times than you can count. No cool bunny is without his Daffy the Duck, which can be a whole another stereotype as a black mallard. This is what we watched after many hours of those Looney Tune shorts. "Safe" television didn't check their political correctness and sensitivity with the censors cause why would they? No censor has a funny bone except maybe in their ass.

Depictions of the times these cartoons were and it shows a huge downfall in viewing. The nineties shown the first wave of after school specials and cartoons that had to teach youth to be good little boys and girls from my memory. GI Joe, Captain Planet, Ghostbusters and many of the kid versions of our old time favorites. For a cartoon about a constant battle between good and evil (Cobra looked pretty similar to Middle Eastern military) where no one really died. We and our younger siblings were spoon fed about recycling, sharing our toys, and all that other crap that makes us upstanding citizens. Violence was water downed versions of laser tag. No drama death scenes and everyone recovered from wounds incurred. Sucks getting blasted with a payload from an Apache helicopter and only have a bandaged head from a falling pebble eh? At least our saviors helped push further that feminine males in skin tight outfits would save the day and help keep the air we breathed clean. Thank you rainbow America for teaching a Mr. Gore to make a movie that left me bored to tears. Scared me to no end, but I did get a few needed winks with my date eager for the next instalment. Is there hope?

I'm glad my teachers of the world were Bugs and the gang. They showed me humor is the way to tolerance of difference. Showed me it was ok to be different. I think today they try to hard to mimic the subtle prick at society, times a hundred. All rush and bang to shock the world. Take notes and you might not get the bleeding hearts attention and still get your point across. I'll still tune the station to those outspoken and rude shows that want to point and laugh at the Conservative realm for being hypocrites and pricks to tell us what we should be watching. I just prefer the inside joke and enjoying something slipping by big brother. So order up from Acme, put on your favorite hunting cap, cause it's rabbit season...no duck season....no rabbit season...no duck season, bang!
January 19, 2010

Princess...

...my dog is a spoiled preening fucking princess.

The couch is his domain. This is understood. A cover is kept on it because of the hair.

He enjoys getting his nose in the cushions, causing the cover to come off. It is at this point that he gets off the couch and refuses to get back on until it is fixed.

So he messes it up the other day, knowing I am watching football. He gets off and turns around and just stares at it.

I ignore him.

He just stares...and now whines a little.

I ignore him. Football is on.

He comes over and sticks his snout under my hand to lift it up, probably assuming I'm asleep since I haven't jumped up to fix the cover for his higness.

I shove his head away and tell him to fuck off. (yes, I told my dog to fuck off)

Back to staring for awhile.

Then, finally, he seems to give up. He goes over and gets one of his toys, a stuffed squeaky duck, and proceeds to chomp and shake it in front of my chair. He shakes and shakes and lets go and whips it right into my face.

Son of a bitch.

I whip the duck back at him and stomp over and fix the couch. He moseys on over to it, and before hopping up on it looks back at me with an "It's about time motherfucker" look on his face.

Dog will get punched in the face one of these days.

erection for sale! one blue, throbbing erection for sale!!!

fucking can get expensive.

I work at a pharmacy and of course, it's common to sell medications for erectile dysfunction. We have a little sticker on our keyboards with the pricing for the 3 we sell on a per tablet basis:


Since most insurances don't cover any of the costs, we often do sell individual doses. Men come in to buy one fuck at a time. Judging from that little pic above, you can see that the average erection will cost you $18. And if you're with someone like me who wants it more than once daily, you'll go bankrupt. But that's another story.

For $18 you can buy:

dinner for yourself at all sorts of restaurants...even SUSHI or
a decent bottle of wine or a couple bottles of the cheap but still tasty stuff or
around 6 gallons of regular unleaded gas or
15 2 liters of coke or 5 12 packs or
a bottle of lotion and a porn video or
17 bags of giant chewy nerds or
chips, salsa, and rent a couple of dvd's or
50 blank cds and a drink and some candy or
100 york peppermint patties and a coke or
17 items from wendy's lovely $1 menu or
an erection

Personally, sex is worth a good lot more than 18 bucks. It's so vital and priceless. But seriously, if you have to wine and dine the lady and buy condoms etc....you better make sure it's quality ass first. otherwise, you're better off buying the pill and jerking off to pictures of betty white.

i'm gonna fuck you on a goat, girl...and other euphemisms

sometimes i think my sense of humor (or humour for the canadians in the crowd and by crowd i mean the 10 people reading this) is often inappropriate, over the top, misunderstood, ridiculous, dry, and a bit dorky. i laugh at things that others don't, at odd times in movies, and the hardest at myself when everyone else fails to even snicker. here are some conversations or random statements either made by myself or thrown in my direction over the last few weeks that seem to fit the mold...

  "Win the lottery so you can be my sugar daddy. Please"
 "I'd by you an alligator and a lovely note that'd say smell ya later, fag"
  "If I won, I'd set you up for life. Now. Don't you feel awful for being such a dickface?"
 "What's the Georgia lottery? 8 buckets of chicken and a side?"
  "NO!....... 40 acres and a mule!!"

Even I wouldn't blow michael bolton in a truck stop bathroom...

"i've been playing the shit out of this video game if that makes you feel better. but you're being kind of a girl about it."
 "i AM a girl. with a vagina and hormones and girl thoughts"
"well, lay that shit on one of your other 15 internet boytoys"
 "we don't talk about sex therefore you're not a boytoy."
"i didn't say i was a boytoy. i said you had 15 of them to be crazy estrogen hose on"
 "it's not crazy estrogen hose to ask questions, silly boy."
"it's crazy to have conspiracy theories about not talking to you enough, old lady"
 "change always requires questions"
"i'm picturing my hands around your neck right now."
 "ooooohhhh...that could be hot."
"hot as in furnace. because water dumping is risky at best. and i'm too pretty for prison."

i sold my soul to jesus for a night of good times.

i'm not a virgin but i play one on tv.

i don't like relationships because i don't want to be told who i can date.

"oh, baby, baby" is going to be our song when we have a standoff with police."
 "am i going to steal pills for you to sell to buy the guns? because i'd rather not rob a gunstore"
"they still have gunstores?"
 "this is georgia."
"so, that means at like a kfc?"
 "no, you buy meth and crack at kfc."

"she doesn't really get my sense of humor"
"no i just don't like to read"
"uhhhh...maybe that's something you should pick up"

"you can't get laid being so antisocial"
"depends on how much i pay for it"
"ok. let me rephrase. you can't get laid for free being so antisocial."
"i can if i get her drunk"
"and if she pukes on you?"
"then i'll return the favor. on her face."
"why not just cum in her face?"
"because the last time i tried that, i got bit."

"will your wife get to come visit you for the holidays at least?"
"i hope not"
"nice. what the hell are you even married for?"
"tax benefits"

"at least you aren't a backup dancer for hannah montana..."
"you know, that's my dream. i rarely use the term musical genius but it applies in her case. how are things in climax?"
"anticlimactic at best...but i think i have a novel idea to get you through this career slump. let's make a musical porno. i'll dress up like ms. montana. you dress up like the big bad wolf. and we'll call it hannah gets eaten in climax"

"i fucking love this place. (disregard that maple leaf behind my ear)"
"canada has the best ones"
"impossible. i'm not in canada."
"1. i meant the leaves. 2. yet 3. we treat you like you treat mexicans"
"i like mexicans. especially ones that make a good taco salad"
"i hear some mexicans can provide guacamole on demand."
"sounds interesting. i'd like to see a video."
"i'd watch it 2x more that 2g1c."
"i'd watch it over avatar."
"will you marry me?"

i don't know i could get crazy and yell out something like 'yeah girl i'm gonna fuck you on a goat. get up on that goat'

gas station perks

fuck. i forgot i needed gas. jesus...now i'm going to be even later than i already am. what's new.

i pass the turn i need to make to get to tallahassee in favor of hitting a gas station a little closer than the one just before the florida line. it takes me a few miles in the wrong direction but i don't want to press my luck on these backroads. it's a rainy, nasty night.

i pull into the gas station a few minutes later and get out to pump my gas. it's still sprinkling but thankfully, it's not nearly as cold as it's been over the last week. in fact, i'm wearing a 3/4 sleeve button down shirt and a skirt with tights. no jacket needed. i do still have on a pair of leg warmers over my heels. i just like them. i have my own style.

after pumping my gas, i head into the store to get some coffee and a bit of candy (couldn't resist temptation). coming out of the store is a guy in a muscle shirt, bermuda shorts, and white sneakers. he glances up at me and then does a very noticeable double take, extended style. i walk into the store as he reaches his car and start looking for something to satisfy my sugar craving. a few minutes later, he walks back into the store and glances in my direction. cute, i think...no, not about him in his mismatched clothes with his bad tattoo, but about the act itself. i just sort of smile to myself and continue on with my shopping. by the way, sugar babies are fucking good. so. fucking. good. as are giant chewy nerds.


                   


i walk out of the store and he's still parked just outside, fiddling with something in the car, i guess, in a feeble attempt to look like he has some reason to still be there. as soon as i pass his vehicle, he starts to back out and turns my way driving behind me. my skirt is tight and i'm wearing a nice little pinup style black shirt with white polka dots that shows off my shape pretty well. he whistles as he passes by. i can't help but laugh to myself. i was wondering if he'd actually say something or hit on me after all this effort to check me out...i throw up my hand in a semi wave and send a side glance smirk his way. as he drives off he still manages to yell out a "damn, you are fine" in my direction before he heads off... i just grin with one eyebrow raised and climb in the car.

dear redneckish patron of the climax quick buys,

i'm not really sure whether i should be flattered or not considering the source, but thanks for the smile. it put an extra bit of swing in my step. i hope you had a good time jerking off to me later.

sincerely,
j
January 18, 2010

Burry Them Next to the Garbage Cans

Think it's hard finding someone, how about losing that someone? Breaking up and losing a relationship can be hard. Even when it's a good thing, it can still leave a scar or wound that needs healing. We've been through it enough times to gain the battle scars. If not, then heck you have a long road ahead of you. Here are the stages we go through and might help you recognize where you are and how far you've got to reach the end of that break up:

  1. Denial"I feel fine."; "Gosh, s/he'll get me over him/her faster.";"I just need a replacement."
    Denial is a pain to loved ones and friends. We all know you need to shower up and stop watching reruns of the Golden Girls. This can lead to rebound lays and possible shady rashes in our private areas. Take it slow. Realize that it's over and no matter how many faceless bodies you feel at night won't get him/her out of your mind quicker.
  2. Anger"Why won't s/he love me? It's not fair!"; "How can they do that to me?"; "S/He is going out with who?"
    This stage leaves you with no friends and loved ones. Sulking and steaming about everything and the kitchen sink(which could be overflowing by now). You envy romance movies, kick the dog for loving you(shame on you by the way), and the opposite sex just sickens you. Not their fault. Leave them be. Your just digging that hole that will leave you isolated and even more pissed off. So what they shacked up with your best friend or neighbor down the street? You keyed their car cause they were out at your favorite bar? Come on a Louisville slugger to the windshield seems like fun at the time, but not smart. The major problem makers are those that are super charismatic and full of energy. They leave a wake of destruction and broken furniture. Gets you to know cops on a first name basis with the phone arguments and restraining orders. This stage makes me a sad Teddy.
  3. Bargaining"Come back for the kids."; "I'll do anything to have you back."; "I'll do it if you'll sleep with me"
    There's nothing sadder in life than a person begging for a second chance. I know I'll get flak for this, but come on. The relationship ended and your coming back for seconds and with the added abuse from the previous two steps. Have a lot of work ahead of you if you can pull out a second chance. It does happen and boy it leaves you on the lower end of the totem pole when you do. You have to work through all the previous problems plus the ones you added to the mix with your shenanigans you pulled during the earlier stages. Lots of make up. I have seen mature people pull it off, but requires a ton of work. Lazy people should not reapply.
  4. Depression"I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm single . . . What's the point?"; "I miss my , why go on?"
    Remember all those people you pissed away during stage two? Start kissing some asses cause this is where you'll need them the most. This is the absolute down you'll be. Nothing is doing it for you no more. The porn addiction you racked up on the blockbuster super savers account isn't paying off. The dating websites leave you less and less responses every night. That casual screw buddy you have isn't even calling anymore. Hell, even your beer is starting to taste stale. The thought of your ex or seeing them happy just leaves you looking like someone pissed in your corn flakes. Don't worry your true friends will be there to help you through. Even that dog will come back to lick your face a few times. Words of encouragement are a must and maybe some me time. Get new hobbies, friends(if they don't come back), and new adventures. Hey even get your Indiana Jones on, it'll do you some good.
  5. Acceptance"It's going to be okay."; "I can't get him/her back, I may as well get over it."
    Parades are forming in the streets and the brass bands are blaring the Saints Come Marching In. You've done it! You made it through the break up and ready for another round of fun in the sun. Prolly even have that special someone picked out or a few someones who knows.... I don't judge. You are well on your way to happiness now. You've come a long way through all the previous stages and boy was that a ride. Now you got your ticket to the next one and who knows this might be your last. I and many close to you have faith you'll accomplish whatever goals you have set forth.
So there you have it. The stages we all go through. We all go through them faster or slower than others. So if your still in stage one or two after a few years heck don't worry there is light at the end of the tunnel. Just keep plugging away and you'll get through it. Heck you can even skip a few stages and not even know it or relapse and start all over with a fresh cut. That's where the fun is in this little game we call dating. We all know the rules, we all play out the same way, just how we end up at the end of it all separates each and every one of us.
January 17, 2010

The Limp Stalker Strikes Again

According to official police sources, the killer known as The Limp Stalker has added another man's life to the death toll bringing the total number up to twelve over the past seventeen months. The body was found in a Wal Mart Supercenter family restroom yesterday evening but as of now, the identity of the victim has yet to be released.

All twelve victims have been men over the age of 65. None have been in the best physical condition which has made them easy targets for the killer. It took investigators several months to actually figure out that the men had been murdered and to piece together what was actually occurring in the moments leading up to their deaths. So far officers have figured out that the killer lures the men into the family restrooms at local shopping centers, offers and gives oral sex causing the men to go into cardiac arrest, then steals their wallets, and leaves them to die.

The first victim, Gus Parker, age 74, was found in a Publix restroom just off North Boulevard. His pants were pulled to his knees and he was still sitting erect in his wheelchair. Authorities said there were no signs of a struggle nor did the man have any bruises or cuts. As far as investigators could tell, he seemed to be at peace. Beyond the missing wallet, nothing seemed strange about the events which has been true in each case. This, according to the department, is what made it so difficult to link the cases and determine that these were actually murders until similarities were established between the first five victims. Each of the victims has been found in family restrooms in just this manner over the last year and a half with no signs of distress and each in poor physical condition at the time of their deaths. The killer preys on the vulnerable population and seems to be untraceable so far. No leads have been established at this time nor has any physical evidence been left at the scene. Each man's penis had been wiped clean when police found them. No traces of saliva thus no dna has been left behind at all.

Investigators have asked the citizens of this area to please be aware and on the lookout for any suspicious characters accompanying older men to public restrooms and report it as soon as possible. A hotline has been set up for any information, witnesses, clues, etc. 1-800-OLDDICK

Twelve stepping relationships

Twelve-step methods have been adopted to address a wide range of problems from drugs to alcohol. Over 200 organizations with a worldwide membership of millions, now employ twelve-step principles for recovery. So, how about one for relationships and dating woes?

What is an emotion? Weird thing to ask someone, heck I've asked a few people lately what is an emotion. Heard it's a feeling, a desire, an urge. I looked around and found that an emotion is actually a chemical combination that flows through the body that produces the same side effects each time. We produce these emotion cocktails each time something makes our body react to the outside pressures. We become scared when something frightens us and become happy when something is funny or is to our favor. Simple eh? Then why do we get all confused when each time we stumble in relationships? We keep blaming everyone and everything except ourselves. We react to each relationship and produce an emotional reaction. So maybe we stumble in relationships because we ourselves are emotion junkies for failure or using the other person to be our pusher for the emotion we desire. So we get hooked on dating like it's the drug that keeps us moving to each new score.

Think it's time for us to twelve step our way to happiness?

  1. We admitted we were powerless over our failed relationships—that our lives had become unmanageable unless we have someone else in our lives.
  2. Came to believe that we are the only ones who could restore us to sanity.
  3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of ourselves.
  4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
  5. Admitted to ourselves, and to another human being that we are dating badly.
  6. Were entirely ready to have ourselves focus on ourselves and stop dating for the sake of being alone.
  7. Start allowing us to have fun for ourselves.
  8. Made a list of all persons we had complained and bothered about our relationship woes, and became willing to apologize for our lack of control over our own happiness.
  9. Made direct gestures of apologies and sharing our own happiness, unless it comes in direct violation of that person's sexual or moral code.
  10. Continued to take note of when we are wronged and not taking it unless it's for your own personal gratification.
  11. Sought through masturbation and fuck buddies to improve our conscious contact with ourselves.
  12. Practice these principles in all our affairs.
Now that we have established our steps lets keep these traditions while we are going each step to keep the spirit and seriousness of our condition as helpless dates.

  1. Our welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon us being happy.
  2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority—You as He or She may express Him/Herself in your conscience. Our friends and loved ones are but trusted servants; they do not govern.
  3. The only requirement for our recovery is a desire to stop dating for the sake of being alone.
  4. Each person should be autonomous except in matters affecting the police or friends.
  5. Each person has but one primary purpose—to live life for themselves and find happiness with yourself and others if you so desire their company.
  6. A person ought never endorse, finance, or lend to our dates or sexual conquests if it diverts us from our primary purpose of becoming happier with ourselves.
  7. Every person ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside support.
  8. Each person should remain true to themselves and only take on the aid of friends and loved ones to further our purpose.
  9. Each person, ought never be limited to these steps in order; for each person's journey is different than another person's.
  10. You should never have an opinion on outside complaints of your new attitude; hence we strive for ourselves and piss on all other opinions.
  11. Our goal in public is based on attraction rather than promotion.
  12. Our desires and urges are the foundation, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.
The process for the twelve-step program is always represented in three dimensions: physical, mental, and sexual. The problems we have to deal with are present in each dimension. We notice the physical problems first from lack of eating to irritability. Go get a shave, put on your best and hit the town or your favorite comic book convention. Finding something that improves your personal hygene and gets you putting something other than cheese puffs into your mouth is a great start.

The mental obsession is described as the state of mind that each time will be different or we can stop and be happy alone at any time. We look towards dates with great pressure cause this is all or nothing. Stop with the obsession that this next date is the one. You will self sabotage it and then guess what? It's back to the chalkboard and finding the next "one".

The illness of the sexual dimension, or "sexual deprivation," is considered in all twelve-step to be self-centeredness. We think sex is the end all of life but come on it should be the whip cream on top of that sundae. We are all given hands and toys to satisfy it so get to work on softening those hands guys with Jergens and buying up those cuccumbers ladies. If we are lucky to find a few friends to sleep with then heck all the better for you. Then your hands are much more different than the regular joe/jane. Learn new skills to better your chances from massaging to better sexual control of your naughty parts. This will greatly increase your chances of gaining sexual partners and get you closer to finding that special guy or lady that will fulfill your three dimensions.

So next time you see yourself complaining that life sucks cause your single or waking up with tears on your pillow cause you stayed in on friday night with a tub of chunky monkey look towards the twelve steps. They will help you through this never ending struggle for romantic bliss and one day find that special someone to struggle through this mortal coil with. Good luck to you all

about me. not really.

dear you,

i don't talk about my child or being a mom. i don't talk about my garden. i won't mention my craftiness (often) or how much i save each week with coupons. if you're looking for that sort of thing, you're in the wrong place.

instead, let's abandon the tethers of domestication for a moment and remember what it's like to laugh at vulgarity and the world at large.

xo,

j

talk amongst ourselves


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