Boobie Tassels For Buddha

sometimes i think my sense of humor (or humour for the canadians in the crowd and by crowd i mean the 10 people reading this) is often inappropriate, over the top, misunderstood, ridiculous, dry, and a bit dorky. i laugh at things that others don't, at odd times in movies, and the hardest at myself when everyone else fails to even snicker. here are some conversations or random statements either made by myself or thrown in my direction over the last few weeks that seem to fit the mold...

  "Win the lottery so you can be my sugar daddy. Please"
 "I'd by you an alligator and a lovely note that'd say smell ya later, fag"
  "If I won, I'd set you up for life. Now. Don't you feel awful for being such a dickface?"
 "What's the Georgia lottery? 8 buckets of chicken and a side?"
  "NO!....... 40 acres and a mule!!"

Even I wouldn't blow michael bolton in a truck stop bathroom...

"i've been playing the shit out of this video game if that makes you feel better. but you're being kind of a girl about it."
 "i AM a girl. with a vagina and hormones and girl thoughts"
"well, lay that shit on one of your other 15 internet boytoys"
 "we don't talk about sex therefore you're not a boytoy."
"i didn't say i was a boytoy. i said you had 15 of them to be crazy estrogen hose on"
 "it's not crazy estrogen hose to ask questions, silly boy."
"it's crazy to have conspiracy theories about not talking to you enough, old lady"
 "change always requires questions"
"i'm picturing my hands around your neck right now."
 "ooooohhhh...that could be hot."
"hot as in furnace. because water dumping is risky at best. and i'm too pretty for prison."

i sold my soul to jesus for a night of good times.

i'm not a virgin but i play one on tv.

i don't like relationships because i don't want to be told who i can date.

"oh, baby, baby" is going to be our song when we have a standoff with police."
 "am i going to steal pills for you to sell to buy the guns? because i'd rather not rob a gunstore"
"they still have gunstores?"
 "this is georgia."
"so, that means at like a kfc?"
 "no, you buy meth and crack at kfc."

"she doesn't really get my sense of humor"
"no i just don't like to read"
"uhhhh...maybe that's something you should pick up"

"you can't get laid being so antisocial"
"depends on how much i pay for it"
"ok. let me rephrase. you can't get laid for free being so antisocial."
"i can if i get her drunk"
"and if she pukes on you?"
"then i'll return the favor. on her face."
"why not just cum in her face?"
"because the last time i tried that, i got bit."

"will your wife get to come visit you for the holidays at least?"
"i hope not"
"nice. what the hell are you even married for?"
"tax benefits"

"at least you aren't a backup dancer for hannah montana..."
"you know, that's my dream. i rarely use the term musical genius but it applies in her case. how are things in climax?"
"anticlimactic at best...but i think i have a novel idea to get you through this career slump. let's make a musical porno. i'll dress up like ms. montana. you dress up like the big bad wolf. and we'll call it hannah gets eaten in climax"

"i fucking love this place. (disregard that maple leaf behind my ear)"
"canada has the best ones"
"impossible. i'm not in canada."
"1. i meant the leaves. 2. yet 3. we treat you like you treat mexicans"
"i like mexicans. especially ones that make a good taco salad"
"i hear some mexicans can provide guacamole on demand."
"sounds interesting. i'd like to see a video."
"i'd watch it 2x more that 2g1c."
"i'd watch it over avatar."
"will you marry me?"

i don't know i could get crazy and yell out something like 'yeah girl i'm gonna fuck you on a goat. get up on that goat'