January 17, 2010

Twelve stepping relationships

Twelve-step methods have been adopted to address a wide range of problems from drugs to alcohol. Over 200 organizations with a worldwide membership of millions, now employ twelve-step principles for recovery. So, how about one for relationships and dating woes?

What is an emotion? Weird thing to ask someone, heck I've asked a few people lately what is an emotion. Heard it's a feeling, a desire, an urge. I looked around and found that an emotion is actually a chemical combination that flows through the body that produces the same side effects each time. We produce these emotion cocktails each time something makes our body react to the outside pressures. We become scared when something frightens us and become happy when something is funny or is to our favor. Simple eh? Then why do we get all confused when each time we stumble in relationships? We keep blaming everyone and everything except ourselves. We react to each relationship and produce an emotional reaction. So maybe we stumble in relationships because we ourselves are emotion junkies for failure or using the other person to be our pusher for the emotion we desire. So we get hooked on dating like it's the drug that keeps us moving to each new score.

Think it's time for us to twelve step our way to happiness?

  1. We admitted we were powerless over our failed relationships—that our lives had become unmanageable unless we have someone else in our lives.
  2. Came to believe that we are the only ones who could restore us to sanity.
  3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of ourselves.
  4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
  5. Admitted to ourselves, and to another human being that we are dating badly.
  6. Were entirely ready to have ourselves focus on ourselves and stop dating for the sake of being alone.
  7. Start allowing us to have fun for ourselves.
  8. Made a list of all persons we had complained and bothered about our relationship woes, and became willing to apologize for our lack of control over our own happiness.
  9. Made direct gestures of apologies and sharing our own happiness, unless it comes in direct violation of that person's sexual or moral code.
  10. Continued to take note of when we are wronged and not taking it unless it's for your own personal gratification.
  11. Sought through masturbation and fuck buddies to improve our conscious contact with ourselves.
  12. Practice these principles in all our affairs.
Now that we have established our steps lets keep these traditions while we are going each step to keep the spirit and seriousness of our condition as helpless dates.

  1. Our welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon us being happy.
  2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority—You as He or She may express Him/Herself in your conscience. Our friends and loved ones are but trusted servants; they do not govern.
  3. The only requirement for our recovery is a desire to stop dating for the sake of being alone.
  4. Each person should be autonomous except in matters affecting the police or friends.
  5. Each person has but one primary purpose—to live life for themselves and find happiness with yourself and others if you so desire their company.
  6. A person ought never endorse, finance, or lend to our dates or sexual conquests if it diverts us from our primary purpose of becoming happier with ourselves.
  7. Every person ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside support.
  8. Each person should remain true to themselves and only take on the aid of friends and loved ones to further our purpose.
  9. Each person, ought never be limited to these steps in order; for each person's journey is different than another person's.
  10. You should never have an opinion on outside complaints of your new attitude; hence we strive for ourselves and piss on all other opinions.
  11. Our goal in public is based on attraction rather than promotion.
  12. Our desires and urges are the foundation, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.
The process for the twelve-step program is always represented in three dimensions: physical, mental, and sexual. The problems we have to deal with are present in each dimension. We notice the physical problems first from lack of eating to irritability. Go get a shave, put on your best and hit the town or your favorite comic book convention. Finding something that improves your personal hygene and gets you putting something other than cheese puffs into your mouth is a great start.

The mental obsession is described as the state of mind that each time will be different or we can stop and be happy alone at any time. We look towards dates with great pressure cause this is all or nothing. Stop with the obsession that this next date is the one. You will self sabotage it and then guess what? It's back to the chalkboard and finding the next "one".

The illness of the sexual dimension, or "sexual deprivation," is considered in all twelve-step to be self-centeredness. We think sex is the end all of life but come on it should be the whip cream on top of that sundae. We are all given hands and toys to satisfy it so get to work on softening those hands guys with Jergens and buying up those cuccumbers ladies. If we are lucky to find a few friends to sleep with then heck all the better for you. Then your hands are much more different than the regular joe/jane. Learn new skills to better your chances from massaging to better sexual control of your naughty parts. This will greatly increase your chances of gaining sexual partners and get you closer to finding that special guy or lady that will fulfill your three dimensions.

So next time you see yourself complaining that life sucks cause your single or waking up with tears on your pillow cause you stayed in on friday night with a tub of chunky monkey look towards the twelve steps. They will help you through this never ending struggle for romantic bliss and one day find that special someone to struggle through this mortal coil with. Good luck to you all

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about me. not really.

dear you,

i don't talk about my child or being a mom. i don't talk about my garden. i won't mention my craftiness (often) or how much i save each week with coupons. if you're looking for that sort of thing, you're in the wrong place.

instead, let's abandon the tethers of domestication for a moment and remember what it's like to laugh at vulgarity and the world at large.

xo,

j

talk amongst ourselves


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