January 15, 2010

'Til Sex Do Us Part

I get messages online from a variety of individuals. There are couples looking to experiment, 18 and 19 year old guys wanting to "be" with older women. (Why? Is there even an explanation?) There are people that apparently want me to drive to their homes, fuck them senseless, and drive myself back to my place until I'm in dire need of their manmeat again. There are people looking for relationships or just to go out and have fun, and older men going through their mid life crisis who troll the net for younger women. As I said...I'm contacted by all kinds. 


There's one group that always has me confused. I never know how to take it and even though I attempt hard to reserve judgement, I'm not always successful. A large portion of the men who contact me are married. Some say they are happily married while others admit they aren't but one common thread is they are all sexually dissatisfied. They don't want to hurt their wives so discretion is always important, but they just aren't getting their needs met so after a lot of thought, they've decided that having an affair is their only and best option. I recieved this message below last night and it's representative of what these things usually say:




"How are you, warm I hope. I'll get to the point though and put this out first, would you like to meet sometime and maybe hook up. I'm honesty and want to put what I want out there so you know.

Now the reason I'm online here is that if you look at my profile, yes you will find that I am married, but my married life sucks. I get no sexual satisfaction from my wife as she doesn't have the charisma to just let herself go in bed. She isn't as spontaneous or open with her feelings as me so I'm left with a large hole of desire to be filled. All of this transpired after we married, so it has built up over time.

Unfortunately I'm online to find friends and if it goes to intimate than that is fine. I'm not out looking head first for sex, I'm out looking for others that I can relate to and maybe open up to, maybe that will help relieve some of theis desire, knowing it is allowed to get out either in words or actions. I have been told that I am very laid back, that I don't get upset when I should, like waiting in a long ass line in Wal-Mart and things like that.

I live about 30 minutes south of Valdosta and about 1 hour east of Tallahassee, I work in Valdosta so that is why my profile says Valdosta since I am there everyday. Hope to talk to you sometime, and maybe if you get toward Valdosta or something sometime we can get together and chat or something to eat."



First of all, let me say that I am not above going out with someone who is married. I've done it. I'm not ashamed of it. Would I be someone's long term mistress? No, probably not. But, I guess that has to do more with personal preference than any moral issues. These people are always up front about being married and I admire that honesty so if I'm going to question this publicly, I have to be just as honest myself. 


Have I ever cheated on anyone myself? Yes. When I, myself, was married? It came pretty fucking close. and why is that? Because I was horribly sexually dissatisfied. It's one of the very things that told me it was time to reevaluate my status as someone's wife. So, I can understand how it's possible that someone can end up cheating when something's missing in their sex life. I really do. I didn't actively make a decision, though, to go online and seek out partners for an affair. Flirting with a friend got out of hand in my case and we almost got carried away. Okay, we made out and sexted all the time, so we did get carried away. Also, he finger fucked me on one occasion so perhaps that's still cheating, but that's where it ended. Both of us were married and decided we were really fucking up. Yay to regaining rational thought. 


I did a lot of soul searching afterwards. For awhile and even now, I wonder if a true monogamous relationship is even possible in the long term. I haven't even tried since my divorce. I haven't had the desire. I like my space and my freedom as they are and figure when someone comes along that can make me consider a relationship, I'll give it a shot. I don't feel like I'm missing anything. I don't get lonely. Things are peachy. In my thinking, I also decided that sexual compatibility is a big chunk of the solid foundation a relationship needs to stand on. On a personal level, I married someone that wasn't very experienced in matters of sex. I thought maybe he'd open up over time, but it didn't happen. And, in fact, the fact that I was, well, more than experienced was a taboo subject. I lived scenes right out of Chasing Amy, I kid not. We couldn't try new things. It was all mundane and routine and eventually, I was so bored that we'd have to watch porn for me to even get in the mood. Every time. So, yeah...sexual compatibility is key. Don't marry someone who doesn't fuck you porno style on your couch in the middle of the movie you two are watching if that's something you fantasize about all the time because it isn't going to change after you say your vows. And later on, it'll just cause problems. 


And, I guess that's what gets me. The person who sent me that message above is 25. He can't possibly have been married all that long so doesn't it stand to reason that his wife was the same before they married as now? I feel his pain. I really do, but why get online and look for other women? How about marriage counseling if you really want to stay married? How about not being afraid of change and making those steps to find true happiness? 


But, what about those men who've really been married 20 something years to a woman they love but who doesn't have the drive anymore after giving them a couple of rugrats? Can I blame them for not wanting to divorce someone they care about so much...to not want to walk out on the person who's been there for them for all these years anytime they needed someone, who bore their children...but who still has needs? I don't know. Or, what about all the daddies who don't want to give up time with their kids? Is that even noble in any regard...to fake it for the kids? Or is all that just a copout for someone who really is too scared to make a change? 


And none of that even takes into consideration how I'd feel if I were that wife and I found out about my partner's funtime activities... the humiliation, fear, betrayal, and anger...fuck. 


Such a massively complicated situation, eh?

5 Comments:

Bag Man said...

I couldn't have put it any better myself! But, you have read my story. Obviously in the same boat. It is a complicated issue that has no right or wrong answer. It will all just work out. The only difference I have is that I do not troll the internet looking for sex! Hmmm...mabye its not a bad idea! :)

jenniy said...

hahaha. i have read your story and i know a lot of others just like it. it's one of those things where it's really not a black or white issue. there's all sorts of grey areas.

i think about how i would feel if i've been in a relationship for years with someone who develops e.d. i mean..i'm all about sex. what the fuck would i do? i have not a clue. i really don't

Bag Man said...

haha...good question. Though, with all of the pills and shit out there, I think they can fix e.d. pretty easily? Maybe not. Hope I never have to find out! Is it true that a penis feels much better than any toy? Some of the toys I have seen look pretty realistic.

jenniy said...

there is no substitute for an actual cock. trust me. there isn't a toy that can be made that is even half as wonderful

Anonymous said...

We human animals are of a very few spices who entertain even the most remote thought of monogamy. After twenty some odd years (I do know) of being faithful to a wonderful, sweet and beautiful woman whom I am still today in love with, I wonder. Why does morality dictate that you can only love one person. Or is it you can love more than one but only have sex with one of them. I do know this, the thought of living the rest of my life with only fantasy and masturbation doesn't appeal to me at all. Then, breaking the hart of a woman I truly love doesn't either. Ergo, discretion is the better part of valor.
Maybe we should resort to the thought train of the other spices. My old dogs philosophy seems to be , If you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!

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about me. not really.

dear you,

i don't talk about my child or being a mom. i don't talk about my garden. i won't mention my craftiness (often) or how much i save each week with coupons. if you're looking for that sort of thing, you're in the wrong place.

instead, let's abandon the tethers of domestication for a moment and remember what it's like to laugh at vulgarity and the world at large.

xo,

j

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