Boobie Tassels For Buddha

Alright. Here’s the score. I am Canadian. I am francophone. I rock the socks off a lot of people. But I can’t stand human contact, for the most part. I have found myself too often disappointed in the behaviour (yeah, with a ‘u’) of others as well as their numerous failings and the near impossibility of meeting my expectations.

One such failing is the distribution and re-distribution of emails that serve no purpose but to waste mine or someone else’s time. More than likely by some fag at a keyboard who doesn’t feel like attending to the TPS reports on his desk.

At times, however, a gem passes before my eyes. Below you will find one such gem. I share because it’s informative, it’s condescending to Americans in particular and frankly, it makes me feel superior, so I’m a perfect fit for Canada.

Here’s what you need to know…

1. Smarties
2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp
3. The size of our football fields, one less down and bigger balls
4. Baseball is Canadian - First game June 4, 1838 - Ingersoll, ON
5. Lacrosse is Canadian
6. Hockey is Canadian
7. Basketball is Canadian
8. Apple pie is Canadian
9. Mr. Dress-up beats Mr. Rogers
10. Tim Hortons beats Dunkin' Donuts
11. In the war of 1812, started by America, Canadians pushed the Americans back past
their White House. Then we burned it and most of Washington. We got bored
because they ran away. Then, we came home and partied........ Go figure.
12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.
13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew
during any war to anyone, anywhere. EVER.(We got clobbered in the odd battle but
prevailed in ALL the wars).
14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and lasted a little over an hour.
15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary. He
slept in and missed the whole thing. He showed up just in time to get caught.
16. A Canadian invented Standard Time.
17. The Hudson’s Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still
around as the world's oldest company.
18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in less than 3
minutes. (That's more information than I need!)
19. We know what to do with the parts of a buffalo.
20. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, Velcro, zippers, insulin, the paint roller,
roller skates, duct tape, the jolly-jumper, air-conditioned vehicles, the
Zamboni, the barcode, the Blackberry and the telephone. Also short wave radios
that save countless lives each year.
21. The light bulb was actually invented by a Canadian (Henry Woodward patented it in
1874). The patent was bought by some obscure American named Edison who
improved upon the design and took credit for inventing it.
22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.
23. A Canadian invented Superman.
24. We have coloured money.
25. Our beer advertisements kick ass {Incidentally...so does our beer}

BUT MOST IMPORTANT !

The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.

That’s a light dusting of Canadian sugar on your fat US tongues…but there are so many more…lemme know if you need any explained.