Boobie Tassels For Buddha

e knocked his girlfriend up. that's the text she sent her brother as she headed home from work shortly after finding out the news. his response was total shock. she replayed the conversation she'd had with e in her mind over again.

"what time are you getting home? i need to talk to you about something."
"i leave here at 1 like every other saturday i've ever worked. what do you want to talk about?"
"i'll see you later on today. i want to talk about it face to face."
"oh shit"
"you could say that."
"ooooh shit."
"you could say that again."
"what does it have to do with?"
"i said i want to do this in person."
"i said what does it have to do with?"
"me and a."
"oh fuck. no."
"yeah"
"no."
"i used protection."
"you are the most retarded person i know."

is that the appropriate response when you find out your ex knocked up his girlfriend? she's not sure, but either way it's funny, so she decides to share it with her most inappropriate friend. surely, he will get a laugh about it. also, he's usually the first person to get any of her news. she doesn't know why. that's just the way it's been since she started being friends with him about a year ago. old habits die hard. she's worried most about her 4 year old who doesn't see his dad enough as it is. how in the fuck is dad going to divide this time between two kids fairly? he's not. she knows it. the impregnated girlfriend is a 21 year old hooter's waitress and even though that rings maturity and balance, she doesn't really think that will be the case this time. thinking about it makes her remember a snippet of the earlier convo and chuckle.

"surely they aren't going to allow her to keep her prestigious job at hooter's with a baby belly..."
"well, she said she'd have to get a new job anyway. they'll let her work but she said it would be so trailer trashy to be working at hooter's with a huge pregnant belly."
"and it's not trailer trashy now????"
"uh......"
"uh huh, yeah."

(hahahahahahaha). she laughs to herself as she makes plans to go out with her brother, sister in law, and a friend. she needs to get out of the house and get her mind off things. definitely.

by the time, they actually arrive to pick her up, she's almost given up on the day. it's just been one bad turn after another, so she's somewhat cautious about leaving the house as well as ready to have a beer and laugh with friends.

they grab their table and pair up girls against guys. why? who the fuck knows. neither person with a vagina knows a damn thing about hitting balls. playing with them is another story. she orders a sweetwater 420 which is a decent pale ale brewed in georgia. after the first game, a round of jagerbombs is in order to really get the evening fully kicked off. she finishes her beer during the next game and is playing surprisingly well for a girl with a buzz and no idea about billiards whatsoever. maybe she she could give this a shot sober. glancing through the shot list, she sees a shooter called sex with an alligator and smirks. So, she calls out to the group, "anybody up for sex with alligator?" everyone looks at her strangely including a couple at a table nearby. she laughs and explains its a drink. everyone gets a chuckle from it when the waitress comes by and her brother tells her we all want to have sex with an alligator.

After another beer and the two shots, she's forgotten all about her ridiculous day. She and the sis in law run to the bathroom between games. On her way, a random ball hitter calls out "damn lady" and she throws him a smirk over her shoulder and a sly backhanded wave by her hip. He calls after her "you know you hot. damn woman." Her mind is on one thing only though...taking a piss.  Unfortunately, as anyone knows, the ladies room has a ridiculous wait when you've been drinking. She announces to the entire ladies room....excuse me, i'm going to step across the street to the men's." She ducks across the hall and right into the men's room. She doesn't look around but heads straight for the first stall and hears "when you gotta go, you gotta go." All the men in there are pretty wound up over it. Compare it to a stripper showing up at a funeral. It's inappropriate and no one quite knows what to do but they're excited about it anyway. One guy stood outside the stall door and guarded it for her. She calls out, "it's ok. i just have to pee" and they chuckle. The guarddog orders the guy in the next stall not to come out as there is a lady in their presence. She laughs and thinks what the hell does he expect those guys at the urinals to do. About that time, one of them says, "what the fuck? is that a girl's voice?" And she hears the guarddog explain that the lady needed to borrow the facilities. She thanks him through the door for helping out and tries to compose herself before stepping out of the stall. She definitely doesn't want to come out laughing. So, she steps out. Walks to the sink like everything is normal, washes her hands, and gives a little curtsy. The guys at the urinals look a little shocked for a second and then she walks out.

Once back out, she announces to her companions that she is ready to bust some balls. Actually, it's just because it's her turn to break. She relays the mens room experience and starts the game. When the waitress comes by again, she orders a round of blue balls for her and the sister in law. Blue balls are, without a doubt, something you don't want to end your night with...

A couple more games and some breakfast then it's time to go home. As she gets comfortable in the backseat on the way, she smiles to herself at her ability to reverse the effects of even the shittiest of days.

to all the men who saw a tattooed girl in the bathroom at pockets,

thanks for being so respectful and not showing me your penises. although that could have been an even more interesting story to relay if you had. my apologies for not putting the seat back up. my bad, dudes. take care.

xoxo,
j