January 28, 2010
And thus the die is cast
8:39 PM | Posted by
Tzarii
Hi! For those of you who do not know me I am the new guy on the blogging team here. I would list my host of qualifications but I do not feel that it is needed to be blogged about. However I do know some things that do need to be blogged about. This is not one of them. But it is a hilarious incident from college.
A long long time ago in a hood on the east side of the Mississippi there was a man who was picking up something for his friend...
There I was looking for some various pudding that Bill Cosby so proudly sponsored he heard the cry of a mother trying to find her children. "Oranjhelo! Le'monjhelo! Get your scrawny asses over here!" I looked over and saw something disturbing as the two younglings darted by me. A box of jello. I then scowled and went over to the mother shaking my head "I can't believe you named your kids after a dessert." She started to yell something as I picked up the chocolate pudding mix. A box flew past my head as I reached down. I simply walked to the counter and handed the cashier two dollars. The cost for the Jello mix was 75 cents total. The cashier gave me 15 cents back. "Your a dime short." I told the clerk. She smiled and shook her head "Sorry long day." Understandable in this neck of the woods.
I walked over to the bus station, for the next ingredient I had to obtain for this college party of epic proportions was a certain kind of liquor that they only sold at one store nearby. I got on the bus and used my student pass to cruise over to the liquor store. On the bus everyone was giving me the stink eye. I then looked down at my jeans. Nothing. My shirt. Nothing wrong. My shoes nothing wrong. My suit jacket. Nothing wrong. Then I realized something. I fit the profile for a college dealer from the other side of the river. Oh. "Its pudding." I said pulling the jello out of the brown bag slowly. This caused two people to laugh and some others to just shake their heads. I walked into the liquor store and picked out the familiar bottle that looks more like some sort of weird peace of jewelry or a tiara. Either way I still had no idea why this was key to the ingredients.
I went back to the bus stop and got on the bus and headed to the metro station. And there was my arch nemesis sitting across the track. I could hear The Bride's theme from kill bill pulse through my head. It went by many names. My crew and I called it Joe the Tranny. Mainly because we weren't fully sure if joe was a surly hermaphrodite, a really angry and muscular chick that enjoyed wearing scarves or buffalo bob come to life only in his woman suit. I am all for alternative life styles but lets just put it this way. Joe was not in any way shape or form a decent human being that had redemptive qualities. Joe preyed upon young men who never had been out on the city before and were just taking the metro around because they were too drunk to drive. Joe would go after people like my buddies who almost fell for these shenanigans until my better judgement and my buddy Chris's Bruce Lee quick kick convinced them otherwise.
Joe quickly identified me as the train pulled up. Joe had a thing for me. I faked into a cart and pulled into another one and juked about like a pro football player. I got onto the train but Joe was on the car behind me. Looking at me. Pressed up against the glass pain and touching things in ways that were not at all pretty. The next move would have to be timed right. I would have to get off sidestep into the other train and make it look like I just moved a car up. The only thing is the other train passed us by. The next stop there would be no train to pull this manuver off. Inside my car there was a crackhead who gave me startling advice as he often did. Here is the rough translation.
"Sometimes a mans gotta recognize when he is out gunned. He got some options though. He can lay down and die. He can run away and live to fight another day or he can stand up and face it hoping that maybe for whateva reason somethin may be on his side. " I nodded to him. When the train came off the mysterious crackhead that my crew knew only as Tony assisted. He pushed his shopping cart infront of Joe the tranny causing one of the most hilarious barrel rolls in human history and time for me to disappear onto the other car. Once on there was one last stop to make.
I arrived near the college around sundown. I started walking towards the preset location where my buddy was supposed to meet me at and I could clearly see his car in the distance and someone stepping out of it. The only thing was it wasn't my buddy... I began to sprint at full speed towards the person mustering every muscle I had left in me from the previous flight from Joe. He didn't stop and he was running on grass and had a clear lead on me in my shoes. So I looked at my bag and shrugged. I picked out the liquor bottle and threw it at him. It hit him in the leg and caused him to stumble without breaking the glass. Score one good guys I use the last of my energy to catch up and dive on him.
"WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING TO MY FRIENDS CAR?!" I shouted. The horrified teenager looked up at me and said "Stealing." "STEALING WHAT?!" I demanded in the most demonic voice I could muster. "Doritos and his mag dude! I was just comin down from a high and I just learned how to pick a car lock and just wanted his doritos and his cool magazine I swear honest!" I shook my head and let up. My palm hit my face instinctively. I gave him a bag of chex mix from my coat. "Just fucking go." His reaction was mixed but he sort of gave me a nod and half smile half I can't believe what just happened look and ran off. I shook my head picked up the liquor which now had grass on part of it but was in otherwise good condition and walked over to my friends car and waited for him
Ten minutes later he shows up with a box of condoms a lighter and box of thumb tacks. I gave him an odd look and gave him his goods. He smiled as we drove over to the place the party was where he made some concoction that smelled of pure alcoholic death and chocolate pudding. After that was finished and some unusual decor was tacked to the wall people came in just for him to use the lighter on the pudding.
Now most people know what a flash fire or a grease fire may look like in theory but you have to see it up close to appreciate it like he did. Where he singed off part of one eyebrow. Without missing a beat he said "Tadaa! The appetizer is done!" and we all proceeded to party our asses off. It was also at that point in time when I saw the jello shots were lemon and orange. It was at this point that I laughed hysterically.
The moral of the story is that sometimes throwing random objects at strangers can lead to other strangers throwing random objects at strangers. Oh that and people really like orange and lemon jello.
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