February 24, 2010
TIPS FOR LIFE
2:09 AM | Posted by
jenniy
Always have a pen handy. You never know. No, not a pencil. Pencils will not write on your hand.
Keep a separate media card for compromising photos. DO NOT store them on your phone or you will find yourself in quite a pickle when you leave it sitting on your mom's sofa.
Own a red swingline stapler and flaunt that fact. I do and it's gotten me laid tons. I have actually heard "once I knew you had a red swingline, I said to myself, I HAVE to fuck this girl.
All that matters at the end of the day is your opinion of yourself. If you're not cringing when you look at yourself in the mirror, you're doing pretty well. That's like a metaphor, you know. I mean, if you're cringing because you need to drop 20 lbs, well, that's a different matter altogether. Then you should probably spend less time in that threesome with ben and jerry and more time at the gym.
Never name your child after an alcoholic beverage or any beverage for that matter or you'll be dealing with their troubles for the rest of your life just because you were a little wasted when you signed the birth certificate. Recently in the town I work in, a girl named Tequila Nicole was arrested along with her boyfriend for possession of marijuana with intent. Fuck. With a name like that, her destiny was sealed. And for fuck's sake, Tequila…why didn't you change your name, girl
Utilize a nickname or perhaps an alias. Play up the mystery all you can. It works. Plus if anything comes back to bite you in the ass, you can always claim, "it wasn't me.
Don't get greedy. If you sell a guy a 500 count bottle of prescription narcotics, don't agree to sell him more the next day. I mean, it could just possibly be a setup, wouldn't you think
Don't ever get married unless you want to get divorced or you'll make money from it.
Jealously will only ensure that your ass gets cheated on.
Be random as fuck…keeps things interesting for everyone around you. Or, it at least keeps everyone confused enough not to be able to pick up on your weak spots. But! Don't be random with gifts. Research that shit if you're trying to impress someone.
Personal expression is necessary to happiness. Have your own style, get tattoos or piercings or both, write, sing, become active for causes..fucking do something that helps you define who you are instead of sitting on your ass on autopilot wasting perfectly good air.
Find something that fulfills you and not just fills you i.e. you can't find fulfillment in the next doughnut or cock. Live music, music period, does it for me as does writing but if the view from a mountain top is more your style, then have the balls and motivation to climb some. Do what you love unless it involves touching children or peeing on them then denying you had anything to do with it even though you were caught on video then you should skip on down to the next one
Don't cheat on your wife with a former porn star. It probably won't lead to good things even though it sounds like a smashingly good time. And for the love of fuck, don't tell that crazy bitch you love her if you do decide to fuck her. Keep it short…just a couple times of the old in and out…then you've got your story to tell about your ex pornographer and all her kink but you've really not gotten your balls in a sling yet.
Dress up just for the fun of it. And take pictures at various stages of the dressing and undressing. (then send them to me. Thanks in advance
Masturbate often. A couple or more times a day usually does the trick for me, but you'll figure out when you're good.
Read the Sunday comics. Share them with your friends sometimes in a note or a card or something gay like that.
It's okay to love your friends, your friends with benefits, your family, whoever… love isn't confining the way we're made to think. You can love others in all sorts of ways without it meaning the end of all things fun. Nothing's wrong with that and nothing's wrong with you…and tell them. Compliment people. Be honest not just bluntly crude. No matter the level of the meaning, people should know when they're valued.
Be who you are…if you like to be choked during sex, own it. If you think you might be a little gay but not all the way like who cares who's sucking my dick as long as it's a warm, wet mouth, then own that shit, too. You can't be face, conforming to the appeal of the masses and expect to lead a rich life.
Figure shit out for yourself. Don't ever just accept what someone tells you without checking it out on your own. People are fucking liars, man. Plus, there's nothing like firsthand knowledge and there's no better victory than one you achieved on your own.
Just remember it's quite possible you only get this one shot. Better do it right. And so if you're only chance at fame is being that girl who fucked 700 men + a donkey in a row, don't be afraid to do just that.
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