Boobie Tassels For Buddha

"THERE YOU ARE!!!!!!!!" she squeals and runs down to my end of the counter. "How ARE you?" she asks like i haven't seen her in ages. In actuality, we just spoke a couple days before. Even though i know this is all fake for my benefit, i still like all the excitement over little ol' me.

"I'm good"

"well, you look good. i think i'm going to die. i can't breathe. ugh. my face is just packed full of mucus. it hurts. am i talking too loud? i can't hear. i'm just full of it. i'm not really crazy," she laughs. i laugh, too. i'm not sure what's funny, but she is definitely crazy and i am going to humor her. i always do. "tell me something. what can i take to keep me from dying?"

"claritin d is probably your best bet. anything with sudafed really."

"i've got that. my boyfriend's out there waiting on me. oh who cares? let him wait. he loves me. he's rich."

this woman is 52. she dyes her hair black. she's wearing a shirt with elephants on it that even my grandma wouldn't put on. her hair isn't combed. she says she looks like she's homeless and i agree. i don't tell her that...i tell her she looks fine. then she sticks her tongue out at the pharmacist on duty. "god, what's her problem? is she stuck up or what?"

"no personality," i say. "she was born without one and no one wanted to chance surgery so they left her without."

she laughs. "you're bad," she winks. "ooooh, lookit at all your buttons, i'm going to get some buttons so i can be just like you. 'chick with brains' definitely fits you."

"it's my flair. ever seen that movie officespace? i love it. i have like 19 pieces i think. see this one?" i show her the blue one on my lab coat lapel that says "you know, there's a pill for that" she laughs and asks where i get them from. i lean in conspiratorially and in an almost whisper, "i got that one in a sex shop."

"i went to one of those last night! with my boyfriend! oh my god. i can't tell you in front of everyone. what kind of music do you listen to? name some of your bands. i want to listen to what you listen to and get buttons and be just like you."

"baroness is my favorite right now."

"my son loves them."

"he knows baroness?"

"he knows them all."

"you should bring him up here so we can talk music"

"i'll do that. how old are you?"

"28"

"god, i'm old enough to be your grandmother. but at least i don't act 52. you're my favorite up here. this is like a social occasion for me. this is better than church."

i laugh. this is actually funny to me. she pays for her medicine and uses the restroom then returns.

"at the sex shop, i bought something that goes (she lowers her voice) in your ass. i didn't pay for it. he picked it out. i've never done anything like that before but boy was it fun."

i really laugh at this. i love random crazy person shit.

"what else do you listen to?"

i show her my janis joplin flair.

"oh my god! i have her biography. i've read it a hundred times. have you read it? it's sooooo good."

"no, never have."

"i'll bring you my copy. i've had it since i was 17. it'll be a christmas present."

"oh awesome. i'll love that."

"you know, you're a bright girl. and i'm intelligent. obviously. i like that you do your own thing. intelligent people are eccentric aren't they? i'm not crazy....just eccentric."

i agree with her... intelligent people often do have an eccentric streak and that's fine. she's not a stupid woman by any stretch of the imagination. she is, however, a bit more than eccentric. i like her some days. some days it's too much.

"my boyfriend's waiting. i should get out there to him before he breaks up with me. listen, honey... divorce was good for you. everyone should get married and divorced once. it builds character. teaches you a lot of lessons." i nod in agreement. "but if you ever get remarried or anything, you shouldn't...and i'm not gay. i'm bi is the rumor and i don't mind that rumor, but if you ever get remarried, i hope you know that love won't get you through. first of all, make sure he has lots of money. my boyfriend is loaded (i laugh here mostly because she does NOT look like her boyfriend is loaded unless by loaded she means fucked up). second of all, never forget that first thing i told you. money." she laughs and i join in. this shit is priceless.

she really sent me the book.



i think i'm gonna take her out one day just to see what happens.