Boobie Tassels For Buddha

I think we've all realized at some point that even when men and women technically speak the same language, we don't. We don't get each other. We don't use the same phrases to mean the same things. We are totally clueless when it comes to breaking down that code, too.... so to make it a bit easier, or not, here are some exact definitions of the female language.

• I don't care. Do whatever you what. (declarative statement indicating possible future harm). Meaning: A.) I'm done with this conversation and for all I care, you can die. B.) If you really do whatever it is you want to do, I will deny you sex for as long as I can stand it. C.) Make the right choice. As in, do what I think is best for you because obviously you have no clue.
• Not tonight, baby. I am tired/have a headache/have to get up early/feel like I'm going to vomit/etc. (untrue statement indicating lack of enthusiasm for your genitals). Meaning: A.) Your bore me and I'd have a better time masturbating in the shower in the morning. B.) I'm pissed off at you and have chosen denial of sex as punishment (note-this is never true for girls like me. i'd be punishing myself more than you. i'd never want to cause myself more harm than you). C.) I'm pissed off enough that I'd rather blow the smelly bum down the street that get anywhere near you right now unless I plan on helping you bond with John Bobbit.
• I need to go on a diet. (loaded question). Meaning: A.) Do I need to lose a few pounds? B.) You find me repulsive don't you? There is no successful approach to answering these questions. The truth pisses us off and we can always smell a lie. And, come on... let's face it. If we're asking, then yes, our fat ass needs to go on a diet. (protective, untruthful statement). Meaning: I think you're getting chubby. I'm not as attracted to you and you really can't stand to lose any inches off your cock by gaining more weight, so rather than hurt your feelings since you're such a fucking woman about shit, I'm putting the whole house on a diet.
• I love your mom!!! She is such a character! (outright lie). Meaning: A.) I'd love to stab that black hearted bitch in the eye with the biggest knife I can get my hands on rather than get another contrite look from her across the dinner table. B.) I could probably actually get along with the demon who spawned you if only she were mute.
• It's not small! It's really a good size. (inside joke of which you are not a party). Meaning: A.) HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. HA. oh my god. HAHAHAHA. B.) You used to be so much hotter. Then you took your pants off. C.) I knew I shouldn't have bought that huge of a dildo....