Boobie Tassels For Buddha

This is a quick how to guide on achieving wrapping perfection.

1. Be full of spirits. No, not holiday spirit or Christmas spirit...I mean booze. Straight with no chaser is preferable and likely to result in the best looking packages.

2. Don't give a shit about the outcome. When you're uptight about perfect creases and straight lines, you're just going to be disappointed with the end product anyway. Fuck it. That's the attitude you ought to have. It's what's inside the paper that matters anyway. If you wrap a can of sardines in gorgeous packaging, the receiver of the sardines is still going to wish you a horrible, slow death.

3. Rush through. What's the point of taking a half hour to wrap one gift when the giftee is going to rip apart that anal retentive job you did in about half a second? This is time that could be better spent drinking in preparation for dealing with your family.

4. Forget bags. Wrap every crazy shaped lumpy thing you can find. The asymmetrical shapes always lead to the best results.

5. When possible use off holiday paper such as Valentine hearts or perhaps newspapers (the comics are especially wonderful) or the illustrated pages of kids books you can find in thrift stores that have been colored on and "slightly used". The tackier these presents look, the better off you are in the end. If the person is into comic books, it is always a good idea to buy one they've really been wanting and use the pages to wrap a cheap dollar store gift. It will warm them to the core.

Your end results should be similar to this: