Boobie Tassels For Buddha

May 2nd marks the 8th anniversary of a friend's murder. I can't really explain why I felt the urge to do so, but...

Matt,

I miss you.

I think I gave up on simply "getting over" that fact a long time ago. 8 years later and you're on my mind here and there for a myriad of reasons... This time of year I can't help but think of you... around your birthday, holidays, and even random moments in my day, you're there. Any mention of soccer, you. Can't hear a RHCP song without you popping into my head or P.O.T.U.S.A., for that matter (millions of peaches, peaches for me. millions of peaches, peaches for free). Forget wrestling--can't watch it :) (but, admittedly, I also grew out of that one). Jokes about phone boning, and well, I did it first with you, and I smile. For this reason or that, you show up even now, 8 years after your death. I guess what I mean to say is that I carry you in my heart. Always have.

I'm sorry you didn't get the chance to walk into a bar and buy a drink--legally. I'm sorry you never had the chance to grow out of things, to know the joy that comes from having a child (even an unexpected one) and hearing your little one's first 'wuv you' directed your way, to feel the accomplishment of getting your degree....there's so many things you still had left to do. I hate so much that your mom lost her husband and her child so unexpectedly just a few years apart and I wish like hell you could have been the cool uncle to your nephews. You would have been, I'm sure. I wish life hadn't been ripped away from you so young, that you didn't have to die alone in that doorway, and I still hold out hope that you weren't aware of what was happening to you. If you had to go, let it have been as peaceful as possible.

I also regret the many things I never said, realizing much too late how fleeting life can be...

8 years later and there are times your memory still makes me grin, often devilishly. There are times I miss you to the point of tears and sometimes in the quiet of the night you appear in dreams so vivid I swear I could reach out and touch your face...

I love you.

always have

j