Boobie Tassels For Buddha

“The event that came to be known as The Pulse began at 3:03 p.m., eastern standard time, on the afternoon of October 1. The term was a misnomer, of course, but within ten hours of the even, most of the scientists capable of pointing this out were either dead or insane…” (Stephen King, Cell)

If you’ve ever read Stephen King’s novel, Cell, then you already know he created a world where a cell phone signal changed the majority (all cell phone users which is nearly everyone these days) of he world’s population into rage filled maniacs only slightly more functional than zombies but still hell bent on destruction and human consumption. Even if you haven’t read it, it’s still a pretty easy premise to comprehend and also critical to understanding my belief that he’s possibly psychic or he, at least, is getting some of his story ideas from psychics like the three nippled gypsy in Mallrats.

You see, I own a Blackberry and I’ve come to the conclusion that my “handy little smart phone” has caused the demise of the last shred of hope I had in the goodness of man. O.K. that probably seems overly dramatic but at the very least, it is ruining my life. More accurately, Blackberries are ruining the world. I think good ole Steve may have had a sort of premonition instead of just a novel idea. In his story, a signal scrambles the brains of all cell phone users but in reality, I’m pretty certain Blackberry owners will just snap one day and kill everyone in our paths.

Before complete insanity takes over we’ll all probably start the process by hunting down a couple of the so called friends on our Blackberry messenger lists and Facebook friends lists who owned one of the little fuckers before we did. These are the assholes who already knew how shitty the things are but never bothered to let us in on it preferring, instead, that we suffer the same way they were suffering. In time, they will get theirs, though. Thanks, friend, for fucking up my life. Now I’m going to make you eat your multifunctional handheld demon phone before going on a full psychotic killing spree to quench my Blackberry induced rage. I have a few ideas where my list might start, and I’m sure others stuck in contracts waiting on new every 2 time constraints to run out have a list started as well.

My list would actually start with the little twit who sold me the phone. I should have expected all Verizon employees to be well-trained liars and apparently, this guy was the best. He flashed his own Blackberry Curve 8330--the phone I was destined to purchase--claiming it to be absolutely amazing then let me flip around on it for a bit. It should have occurred to me to ask why he also found it necessary to own a Droid.

In the months since, I have figured out exactly why he owned the other phone. It’s because he can’t do a fucking thing correctly on his Blackberry which very likely became a source of constant aggravation and rage. The features which come with the phone all make it sound like one of the most amazing things ever created. Mine, for example, has a 5 megapixel camera. It can take pics and videos as well as send and receive them. It allows the user to browse the internet and even watch youtube videos. It stores and plays music as well as voice memos which can actually be sent to others. It can keep track of all your appointments, plans, and important dates and synch with your email, facebook, myspace, twitter and many other social networks allowing you to see what all your friends and not even friends are doing, feeling, or bitching about (usually the latter) at the pressing of your lovely little trackball.

Now, doesn’t that sound all fancy and high tech and wonderful? All the endless possibilities of unnecessary activities and functions you can do with your phone draw you in. You’re curious. You want one. You’ve just got to have a Blackberry especially since all those friends you’re keeping up with are all bitching from their own Blackberries. What you fail to realize or what I failed to realize is that these are all lies. Blatant lies. And, my friends are all bitchy because they’ve all been ruined by their phones.

These are lies because the damn things fail to do anything they’re supposed to do. Just try running the applications it comes with….I repeat…realizing the phone’s monumental failure is as simple as attempting to utilize the already stored applications and features available to you as soon as you purchase the phone. Anytime you run an application even as simple as Pandora, Ebay, Amazon, etc and get a text message, your phone will end up needed to be reset. It may not happen after the first message or even the second but it will happen considering most people synch with their email and get messages on their phones as well as facebook updates. You can barely run anything at all without overloading the capabilities of this technological wonder.

It’s particular about how you handle singular activities as well. For example, don’t try to attach a photo to a message. No. you have to exit your messages, go to the photo album, and send the pic from there (or video). Otherwise, your files will not be sent, your messages will send erratically, and eventually you will need to reset your phone. It just stops functioning correctly altogether.

When texting certain people, the phone gets pissy and takes inordinate amounts of time to open and reply to those messages. It doesn’t depend on their phone company, distance, time of day, gender, race, or religious background either. It’s really just pretty random but once a person’s messages cause that reaction, they always cause that reaction. I started using this to determine who I would or wouldn’t date. Perhaps the phone had some sort of premonition about who might be good for me. Perhaps the phone was ruining my love life. The latter is highly possible since it seems to love fucking with me at every turn. Either way, the text thing is so annoying, you can’t really have a conversation that way with anyone if that person texts you making it impossible to deal with especially since no one wants to have to actually talk on the phone.

The phone really causes a growing list of frustrations. The internet browsing capabilities are awful, the trackball sticks way too often, etc etc etc. I feel myself slipping into that void where the lines between murderous rages and pleasant interactions are blurring. If we already know each other and even if we don’t you better watch your back. I own a Blackberry and one day soon, it’s going to make me lose touch with my morals guided reality. All Blackberry owners are going to snap and we’ll be coming for you.