Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
January 15, 2010
'Til Sex Do Us Part
5:54 PM | Posted by
jenniy
I get messages online from a variety of individuals. There are couples looking to experiment, 18 and 19 year old guys wanting to "be" with older women. (Why? Is there even an explanation?) There are people that apparently want me to drive to their homes, fuck them senseless, and drive myself back to my place until I'm in dire need of their manmeat again. There are people looking for relationships or just to go out and have fun, and older men going through their mid life crisis who troll the net for younger women. As I said...I'm contacted by all kinds.
There's one group that always has me confused. I never know how to take it and even though I attempt hard to reserve judgement, I'm not always successful. A large portion of the men who contact me are married. Some say they are happily married while others admit they aren't but one common thread is they are all sexually dissatisfied. They don't want to hurt their wives so discretion is always important, but they just aren't getting their needs met so after a lot of thought, they've decided that having an affair is their only and best option. I recieved this message below last night and it's representative of what these things usually say:
"How are you, warm I hope. I'll get to the point though and put this out first, would you like to meet sometime and maybe hook up. I'm honesty and want to put what I want out there so you know.
Now the reason I'm online here is that if you look at my profile, yes you will find that I am married, but my married life sucks. I get no sexual satisfaction from my wife as she doesn't have the charisma to just let herself go in bed. She isn't as spontaneous or open with her feelings as me so I'm left with a large hole of desire to be filled. All of this transpired after we married, so it has built up over time.
Unfortunately I'm online to find friends and if it goes to intimate than that is fine. I'm not out looking head first for sex, I'm out looking for others that I can relate to and maybe open up to, maybe that will help relieve some of theis desire, knowing it is allowed to get out either in words or actions. I have been told that I am very laid back, that I don't get upset when I should, like waiting in a long ass line in Wal-Mart and things like that.
I live about 30 minutes south of Valdosta and about 1 hour east of Tallahassee, I work in Valdosta so that is why my profile says Valdosta since I am there everyday. Hope to talk to you sometime, and maybe if you get toward Valdosta or something sometime we can get together and chat or something to eat."
First of all, let me say that I am not above going out with someone who is married. I've done it. I'm not ashamed of it. Would I be someone's long term mistress? No, probably not. But, I guess that has to do more with personal preference than any moral issues. These people are always up front about being married and I admire that honesty so if I'm going to question this publicly, I have to be just as honest myself.
Have I ever cheated on anyone myself? Yes. When I, myself, was married? It came pretty fucking close. and why is that? Because I was horribly sexually dissatisfied. It's one of the very things that told me it was time to reevaluate my status as someone's wife. So, I can understand how it's possible that someone can end up cheating when something's missing in their sex life. I really do. I didn't actively make a decision, though, to go online and seek out partners for an affair. Flirting with a friend got out of hand in my case and we almost got carried away. Okay, we made out and sexted all the time, so we did get carried away. Also, he finger fucked me on one occasion so perhaps that's still cheating, but that's where it ended. Both of us were married and decided we were really fucking up. Yay to regaining rational thought.
I did a lot of soul searching afterwards. For awhile and even now, I wonder if a true monogamous relationship is even possible in the long term. I haven't even tried since my divorce. I haven't had the desire. I like my space and my freedom as they are and figure when someone comes along that can make me consider a relationship, I'll give it a shot. I don't feel like I'm missing anything. I don't get lonely. Things are peachy. In my thinking, I also decided that sexual compatibility is a big chunk of the solid foundation a relationship needs to stand on. On a personal level, I married someone that wasn't very experienced in matters of sex. I thought maybe he'd open up over time, but it didn't happen. And, in fact, the fact that I was, well, more than experienced was a taboo subject. I lived scenes right out of Chasing Amy, I kid not. We couldn't try new things. It was all mundane and routine and eventually, I was so bored that we'd have to watch porn for me to even get in the mood. Every time. So, yeah...sexual compatibility is key. Don't marry someone who doesn't fuck you porno style on your couch in the middle of the movie you two are watching if that's something you fantasize about all the time because it isn't going to change after you say your vows. And later on, it'll just cause problems.
And, I guess that's what gets me. The person who sent me that message above is 25. He can't possibly have been married all that long so doesn't it stand to reason that his wife was the same before they married as now? I feel his pain. I really do, but why get online and look for other women? How about marriage counseling if you really want to stay married? How about not being afraid of change and making those steps to find true happiness?
But, what about those men who've really been married 20 something years to a woman they love but who doesn't have the drive anymore after giving them a couple of rugrats? Can I blame them for not wanting to divorce someone they care about so much...to not want to walk out on the person who's been there for them for all these years anytime they needed someone, who bore their children...but who still has needs? I don't know. Or, what about all the daddies who don't want to give up time with their kids? Is that even noble in any regard...to fake it for the kids? Or is all that just a copout for someone who really is too scared to make a change?
And none of that even takes into consideration how I'd feel if I were that wife and I found out about my partner's funtime activities... the humiliation, fear, betrayal, and anger...fuck.
Such a massively complicated situation, eh?
There's one group that always has me confused. I never know how to take it and even though I attempt hard to reserve judgement, I'm not always successful. A large portion of the men who contact me are married. Some say they are happily married while others admit they aren't but one common thread is they are all sexually dissatisfied. They don't want to hurt their wives so discretion is always important, but they just aren't getting their needs met so after a lot of thought, they've decided that having an affair is their only and best option. I recieved this message below last night and it's representative of what these things usually say:
"How are you, warm I hope. I'll get to the point though and put this out first, would you like to meet sometime and maybe hook up. I'm honesty and want to put what I want out there so you know.
Now the reason I'm online here is that if you look at my profile, yes you will find that I am married, but my married life sucks. I get no sexual satisfaction from my wife as she doesn't have the charisma to just let herself go in bed. She isn't as spontaneous or open with her feelings as me so I'm left with a large hole of desire to be filled. All of this transpired after we married, so it has built up over time.
Unfortunately I'm online to find friends and if it goes to intimate than that is fine. I'm not out looking head first for sex, I'm out looking for others that I can relate to and maybe open up to, maybe that will help relieve some of theis desire, knowing it is allowed to get out either in words or actions. I have been told that I am very laid back, that I don't get upset when I should, like waiting in a long ass line in Wal-Mart and things like that.
I live about 30 minutes south of Valdosta and about 1 hour east of Tallahassee, I work in Valdosta so that is why my profile says Valdosta since I am there everyday. Hope to talk to you sometime, and maybe if you get toward Valdosta or something sometime we can get together and chat or something to eat."
First of all, let me say that I am not above going out with someone who is married. I've done it. I'm not ashamed of it. Would I be someone's long term mistress? No, probably not. But, I guess that has to do more with personal preference than any moral issues. These people are always up front about being married and I admire that honesty so if I'm going to question this publicly, I have to be just as honest myself.
Have I ever cheated on anyone myself? Yes. When I, myself, was married? It came pretty fucking close. and why is that? Because I was horribly sexually dissatisfied. It's one of the very things that told me it was time to reevaluate my status as someone's wife. So, I can understand how it's possible that someone can end up cheating when something's missing in their sex life. I really do. I didn't actively make a decision, though, to go online and seek out partners for an affair. Flirting with a friend got out of hand in my case and we almost got carried away. Okay, we made out and sexted all the time, so we did get carried away. Also, he finger fucked me on one occasion so perhaps that's still cheating, but that's where it ended. Both of us were married and decided we were really fucking up. Yay to regaining rational thought.
I did a lot of soul searching afterwards. For awhile and even now, I wonder if a true monogamous relationship is even possible in the long term. I haven't even tried since my divorce. I haven't had the desire. I like my space and my freedom as they are and figure when someone comes along that can make me consider a relationship, I'll give it a shot. I don't feel like I'm missing anything. I don't get lonely. Things are peachy. In my thinking, I also decided that sexual compatibility is a big chunk of the solid foundation a relationship needs to stand on. On a personal level, I married someone that wasn't very experienced in matters of sex. I thought maybe he'd open up over time, but it didn't happen. And, in fact, the fact that I was, well, more than experienced was a taboo subject. I lived scenes right out of Chasing Amy, I kid not. We couldn't try new things. It was all mundane and routine and eventually, I was so bored that we'd have to watch porn for me to even get in the mood. Every time. So, yeah...sexual compatibility is key. Don't marry someone who doesn't fuck you porno style on your couch in the middle of the movie you two are watching if that's something you fantasize about all the time because it isn't going to change after you say your vows. And later on, it'll just cause problems.
And, I guess that's what gets me. The person who sent me that message above is 25. He can't possibly have been married all that long so doesn't it stand to reason that his wife was the same before they married as now? I feel his pain. I really do, but why get online and look for other women? How about marriage counseling if you really want to stay married? How about not being afraid of change and making those steps to find true happiness?
But, what about those men who've really been married 20 something years to a woman they love but who doesn't have the drive anymore after giving them a couple of rugrats? Can I blame them for not wanting to divorce someone they care about so much...to not want to walk out on the person who's been there for them for all these years anytime they needed someone, who bore their children...but who still has needs? I don't know. Or, what about all the daddies who don't want to give up time with their kids? Is that even noble in any regard...to fake it for the kids? Or is all that just a copout for someone who really is too scared to make a change?
And none of that even takes into consideration how I'd feel if I were that wife and I found out about my partner's funtime activities... the humiliation, fear, betrayal, and anger...fuck.
Such a massively complicated situation, eh?
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December 24, 2009
autopilot leads to certain death
10:46 PM | Posted by
jenniy
I recently read The White Tiger by Aravind Adiga. It's an excellent read if you haven't bothered to check it out yet. I thoroughly enjoyed it. The author has a dark humor that wins. The storyline builds well. The main character catches; he charms you. You know what he's capable of to begin with and so when he first reaches out to touch you, you're repulsed...but then he talks, weaves his story and soothes you and you're mesmerized. He reels you in totally.
to state what i just said with a bit more eloquence, I'll use David Martin's review from The Independent of London:
A dazzling narrative...An Indian novel that explodes the cliches--ornamental prose, the scent of saffron--associated with that phrase and a thrilling ride through a rising global power...Caught up in Balram's world--and his wonderful turn of phrase--the pages turn themselves. Brimming with idiosyncrasy, sarcastic, cunning and often hilarious, Balram is reminiscent of the endless talkers that populate the novels of the great Czech novelist Bohumil Hrabal. Inventing such a character is no small feat for a first time novelist.
I think perhaps I loved this book for all the reasons above but also because I could relate so much to the character. He's labeled a white tiger as a child--an exceptionally rare creature in his environment. Living in this small town with my views and my style, I certainly know this well. I feel, quite often, like I stick out like a sore thumb. But even more than that, something Balram talks about really hit home with the way I feel lately. He sees a white tiger in the zoo who paces his cage repetitively. If you've ever seen animals in small cages like this, you know they do just that....pace it. Back and forth. Back and forth. Balram states he knows that this repetition helps the tiger hypnotize himself into a state of calm so that he may deal with being caged.
Fuck, do I ever know that feeling. I live in a small town in rural South Georgia. I'm not religious. I'm not prejudiced. I work and go to school and have tattoos and short hair. I don't wear jeans and flip flops everywhere I go. My accent isn't the thickest and I don't care for atv riding or jet skiing or country music. It's just crazy to think I ended up so together in the face of such narrow mindedness. But here I am still. I haven't gotten out. It's like this place is my own prison...I'm stuck at least for the time being, but the last several months have been the hardest on me as far as realizing just how much I feel this sort of claustrophobic panic about living here.
I've paced through the years.... gotten into a routine and settling. Get up, go to work, drag through the day, go home, clean and take care of supper, etc. It was that way even when i was married. That routine hypnotized me into believing that everything here was everything I wanted. It was trickery...smoke and mirrors. In the past few months, I have woken the fuck up. And for good reason. Let's recap the last 4 years. I got married, I bought a house, changed jobs, had a baby, lost my dad to cancer before we really had a chance to make amends, got divorced after some very unhappy months, totally did a 180 on a very important political issue after a lot of soul searching...god, what a journey, graduated, applied for grad school, lost my grandfather, and more... My point here is that it's hard to pace, to stick to a routine when you have so much going on. Impossible. My autopiloted spin through life was fucked and I want out of here...this shithole area I was born into. I want out badly....to break out of this life I was born into much like Balram except I'd really rather not kill anyone to get out of it.
As Balram quotes, "I was looking for the key for years, but the door was always open."
This isn't my cage, my prison. The door is just waiting for me to turn that knob
read the book motherfuckers. you can buy it here
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