Boobie Tassels For Buddha

so you've met a foxy lady on the wonderful world wide web and really want to make sure you get to meet her? well, i have some tips and tricks for you that will ensure your success in meeting the little lass as well as working your way right into her petticoats or thongs...whatever the slut's wearing.

1. Just to avoid any confusion later, be sure to always ask right at the start of your interactions, "so, do you like anal?" because that's always the first thing a girl wants to talk about...you shoving something up her ass before you even know her name. to ensure a fast meetup, ask her to spread her cheeks in front of the bathroom mirror and take pics of her asshole for you. quickest way to a girl's heart? yep. you all know it already....through her asshole.

2. ask for her bra size. i mean, because we all know that knowing a 2 digit number and a letter will determine whether or not her tits are nice. so what if she's already sent you pics of her topless 47 times....you still need to have that fucking size, buddy.

3. be sure to ask the following, "the question is, baby, are you sure you can handle this dick?" she'll be a bit flustered at your manliness, but she'll absolutely say, "you know i can. every inch." at this point, you should remind her, "yo, i been dicking ladies since i was 10. i got mad skillz, so i hope you prepared to get FUCKED." I'm tingling just thinking about such an exchange.

4. describe your going down skills in graphic detail including the fact that you can keep your tongue working her for hours...because we always believe that and we always fall for it even though it's really not what we want in a sexual encounter. once you promise all those hours of the same thing, you change our minds about that whole needing dick thing. all of a sudden, we just need you to eat us all night long.

5. after she gets ready for you two to go out, look at her with puppy dog eyes and say, "wow, you look great tonight, babe. almost worth the 45 minutes you spent getting ready."

6. if possible, show up with hickeys on your neck. if need be, use the vaccuum cleaner to give yourself some. women thrive on jealousy and love for you to make them compete for your affections.

7. do talk about your time in prison while you two are at dinner. joke about murdering her or tossing her body out to the alligators. that will surely get her panties wet. it is more than appropriate to sing song lyrics to her detailing rape, murder, and mayhem. instill a little fear in her. we totally dig men that scare the piss out of us.

8. it's always wise to discuss your drug habits as well. it's like a 3 punch combo--be an asshole, have a criminal record, have a drug problem. It's irresistable. If you don't have one of the components of this combo, simply lie. Fabrication is acceptable.

9. Once you two are making out heavily, look at her, sigh a little, and say, "god you look just like my ex." She'll look wary for a minute, so at this point you should say, " oh but, you know, way better."

10. after you blow your wad down her throat, refuse to kiss her until she brushes her teeth. this will drive her wild and will definitely get her to part her knees. this right here truly is your golden ticket to pussyville.